Chubby Hugs & Sticky Kisses

Counting My Blessings

2009-07-06T20:18:00.003-03:00

I know it's "supposed" to be summer around these parts, even though it doesn't feel like it these past rainy weeks. In keeping with the Summer Re-run Season, I'm pulling another post from the archives. This one was originally published on May 14, 2006 - Mother's Day. Even though we've passed Mother's Day by a few months, my thoughts and feelings of that day three years ago have warmed my heart on this chilly evening, and reminded me once again that even though things get rough sometimes, it's always better to count my blessings...and that really, every day is Mother's Day. I hope this inspires you to do the same. Enjoy!

Today I fell in love with my family all over again and was reminded why I cherish this "unpaid" job of motherhood so much. I wish I had a camera so I could share all the pictures with you, but all I have are the special little moments from today that I've imprinted into my memory. Ready?

* This morning, Connor sat on The Big Bed and casually chatted with me about his brother and sister. He affectionately refers to them as his "kids." Today he was wondering "When are my kids going to wake up?" and informed me that "My kids are growing so much. Terran is big enough..."

* Madeline used her creativity yet again and wowed us with a wonderful fruit tray of apples, banana and melon with yogurt in the middle for dipping. Her gift to me was a beautiful handmade card and a bookmark with pressed flowers on it. The little poem on the bookmark almost made me cry, and the part of her card where she had scrawled in her best handwriting that I was her best friend actually did.

* Terran put the kettle on for me this morning to make a mug of Lemon Echinacea tea, because I have a cold, and with it a nasty sore throat. He also pleasantly surprised me with a rare display of public affection (in front of our neighbor), in which he wrapped both arms around me for the best Terran hug I've had in a long time.

* Levi created a beautiful breakfast of hemp granola, almonds, rasins, and raspberries layered on top of plain yogurt and served it to me in a large wine goblet. He (I mean the kids) also thrilled me with a gift card to one of my favorite stores and the new Oprah magazine.

* When I was in the bathroom this morning, Connor was pounding on the door yelling "Happy Mother's Day!". I opened the door to a dirty faced, beaming three year old thrusting a chubby fistfull of dandelions at me. "Happy Mother's Day Mama!" I scooped him up in my arms and hugged him, breathed in the earthy smell of him and tried not to weep.

* We went fishing this morning, and at one point, Levi and the three kids were all lined up against the bridge rail, silently looking over the edge into the water below, holding their fishing poles and waiting. It was like something in a painting. What struck me in that moment was the sheer beauty of it all, the warmth of the sun and the angle at which it shone on their faces, the sounds of the birds, and the unexpected stillness of everyone. I held my breath for fear of breaking the spell, and drank in the sight of my family, the entire time feeling as if my heart would burst with love for them.

* A little later, Levi came up from the brook with Connor under one arm, and laughed "He fell in." In an instant, Connor was in front of me with one leg soaked to the hip while Levi pulled off his little rain boot and dumped out a bunch of water. It was so insanely comical, I half expected to see a little fish flopping around on the ground with the boot water.

* After a trip to Summerside in which the main purpose was to return a Max & Ruby DVD to the video store, we returned home with our bellies full of Burger King's finest and Max & Ruby still sitting on the floor of the van. This was our second attempt to return it...

* Levi and the kids were playing soccer for a bit in the back yard while I laid on a blanket on the grass and read my new Fitness magazine. Levi came over to join me, then Connor wanted a snuggle with "Mama and Daddy" so we amused ourselves by listening to the conversation/arguement between Terran and Madeline, who were at this point scaling the sides of the swing set and grabbing onto the swing ropes in an attempt to "Tarzan" their way across. Levi and I both looked at each other with confusion, chuckled, and shook our heads. Neither one of us "gets" them.

* Connor was dancing in the kitchen as I was writing this, and declared, "I'm dancin' my arse hole off!" I'm still giggling, even though this sort of talk is completely inappropriate and I have no idea where he would hear something like that. *snicker*

* Levi has steak on the BBQ. And mushrooms and onions. 'Nuff said...

Perhaps the best gift this year for Mother's Day is realizing how fortunate I am to have such a wonderful family, and knowing that they love me as much as I love them.

Perspective

2009-06-25T11:17:00.002-03:00

I stumbled across this post as I was going through some of my older work this morning. Originally published in June of 2006, I still find myself having days like this, but am thankful for the gifts of time and experience. Life is a learning experience, both for myself and my children, and I have learned to accept its imperfections as well as embrace the joys. Once you focus on what really matters, the rest is just small stuff.

One day last week I was bustling around the kitchen making supper while I was washing the dishes from lunch (and breakfast). While I was doing this, I was also doing laundry. I tripped over a million pairs of shoes in the laundry room while attempting to carry yet another load of dirty clothes to the washing machine, and tripped over the same mountain of shoes on my way back out with the clean clothes to be folded. I cursed the shoes under my breath and announced to Whoever Might Be Listening that if I tripped over them again I was going to burn them all and the owners would have to go barefoot for the rest of the summer.

Once I got to the kitchen table and dumped the clean clothes onto it, Madeline began whining about how she didn’t “get” her homework and would I please help her. It was also around this time that a very grumpy Connor decided that her homework looked like the perfect spot to draw pictures, so he kept trying to climb onto her chair and scribble on her work.

“Mommy, I can’t do this… Con-nor! No Connor! Get down!!… Mommy! STOP Connor!! Mom! Connor is tryin’ to… NO Connor!! MOM-EEEE!”

Meanwhile, Connor is taking a tantrum: “Eeennnggghh! Maddie! I want to draw! Nnnnnn! Uhhhhh….I WAAANT UPPP!! I want to DRAAAAW Maddie!! Uhhh huhhhh! Waaahhhhh! WAAA-HAAA!!! Then he crumbled onto the floor and screamed. Very loudly.

It was here that Terran saunters into the kitchen and says to me in a dead voice; “Oh yeah, I have Cadets tonight at six.” I stopped in my tracks for a moment, glanced at the clock and saw that it was 5:15. In disbelief I looked at him – sweaty and dirty from playing outside and waiting for me to tell him what to do. I didn’t disappoint. “Don’t you think you should be in the shower then instead of in here doing nothing?” I snapped.

“Whatever.” He snorted as he headed for the stairs. He mumbled something but I couldn't hear it over the escalating tantrum happening on the floor in front of me.

By this point Madeline was shrieking about a pencil mark on her work, Connor was on the floor kicking and screeching at the top of his lungs, and the potatoes were boiling over. Rushing to the stove, I tripped over the dog, who panicked and bolted for the door. In doing so, she walked on the cat, who was sleeping on the mat in front of the sink. The cat of course hissed and swiped at the dog, who panicked some more and ran back to me, bumping into my legs and causing me to burn my hand on the steam rolling out of the pot.

Madeline was whining “He ruined my HOMEWORK!!”
Connor was screaming “ I WAAANT TO DRAAAWWW!!”
Terran was yelling from the bathroom upstairs “MOM! There’s no hot water!!”
The washer started spinning off balance, banging and rattling the entire back porch. By now, the other two cats had to get in on the action, so all four animals were flying around the kitchen like someone was chasing them with a knife. My hand was burning. Cursing, I dropped the lid, where it fell onto the stove and then onto the floor, spitting little beads of boiling water onto my bare arms and legs like miniature daggers. Then it happened.

I lost it.

“That’s IT!! EVERYBODY knock it OFF!!!” I shouted. Sucking in another breath as fast as I could, I continued my rant “I’VE HAD ENOUGH!! JUST STOP IT!! What the hell is WRONG with you guys anyways? You’re all making me CRAZY!!”

For a split second, there was silence. Or maybe that was just my brain exploding. “Nice. Way to go, dumbass” it chastised me.

The washer continued to squeal and clunk loudly in the porch. Connor sucked in his breath long enough to fuel another scream. Madeline sniffled and then started bawling. The animals looked at me as if I had grown three heads, then scampered off into the rest of the house. Terran continued to yell down for me to shut the washer off.

I wanted to disappear. I felt weak and suddenly very drained. As if on autopilot, I slowly picked up the lid off the floor, put it back on the pot, turned the burner down, then shut the washing machine off. In the midst of all the chaos, I eased myself into a chair, ignoring the world around me. “What is wrong with me? What the hell was I doing? Why? Why did I just freak out like that?”

“Because you’ll never be perfect, Amy. They don’t expect you to be.” Huh. The voice of reason.

I realized then that I was not living my life for me and my family, but for everyone else. I was letting other people’s expectations of me as a stay-at-home-mom dictate how I was managing my home. I was swimming upstream against a strong current. Why? Why was it so important to me what other people thought, when I had just lost it in front of my kids? Did I feel that I had something to prove because I wasn’t working outside the home? Did I feel that somehow I had to conform to their expectations because otherwise I would seem lazy? Like a bad wife and mother? Somehow I became so consumed with meeting these expectations, I failed to realize what I was doing to my children. I was robbing them of their mother. And now I had hurt them because I felt inadequate.

“I’m losing it. I’m friggin’ losing it.” I muttered to Nobody In Particular. Putting my head in to my hands, I drew a shaky breath. The tears were stinging my eyes, yet I didn’t cry. My throat was raw, and my insides felt empty. I felt like the worst mother in the world. I violated something somewhere, perhaps it was my own sense of self along with my children’s feelings. This was not the mother I wanted to be. I felt like such a failure. Their little hearts are in my hands, and I crushed them. I was so careless with their feelings. How could I do that to my beautiful children? Do they know how much I love them? Are they feeling unloved right now?

“I’m sorry guys.” It came out in a whisper. “I’m really sorry guys.” I tried again. “I should never have said that.” I picked up my sobbing toddler up off the floor and kissed the top of his head as I pulled the sniffling Madeline to me for a hug. My tears spilled over. “I’m so sorry. Mommy loves you sooo much. I’m having a really bad day and I took it out on you guys and that was wrong of me. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”

I’m not sure how long we stayed like that, embracing and soothing our hurts. I felt their warm little bodies against mine, and fresh tears rolled down my cheeks. How I love them! They’re growing so fast, this is not what I want them to remember about their childhood. They need to express themselves, however much I might disagree. They need to cry. They need to giggle. They need to whine. They need to argue amongst themselves and solve their own problems. They need direction when they can’t find it on their own, but they need to try first. They need to get dirty and be smelly sometimes and they need to know that they are loved unconditionally. They need to be little. I was reckless with their feelings. I had taken them for granted, and they still loved me. I silently vowed to try harder, to do better, to be a better mom for them. To be the mom I know I was meant to be, not the mom other people think that I should be.

I think maybe every mom has days like this. The days where we just wish we had a solution for everything, a calm demeanor and an organized home. I realize that every individual family has their own coping strategies, and I have to use the one that works best for my family. For example, my friend only does laundry on Mondays and Thursdays. She is raising six kids. Six. To me, she seems organized, relaxed, seems to have a pretty good handle on All Things Family. If you were to ask her, she would laugh as she hands out a snack to her toddler while picking up hockey gear off the floor and say that her life is one giant car pool and call it “organized chaos.” She genuinely seems to love it. She doesn’t sweat the small stuff. In retrospect, it is all small stuff, really. Laundry gets washed, the plants get watered, pets get fed, the floors get scrubbed, supper gets cooked, and the homework gets done. So what if the house isn’t spotless every day? Who really cares if there are six loads of laundry instead of two?

It’s the important stuff that will enrich my life, and it is the important stuff that humbles me. The important stuff is worth crying over, especially if you learn something from it. The important stuff is the fragility and innocence of the hearts and feelings of my children, and remembering that without them, I would not be a mother at all.

Baby Forever

2009-01-11T22:27:00.004-04:00

Remember the day when we sat on the front deck, you and I? Remember how we kicked off our sandals and let the cool breeze tickle our bare feet?

Remember how we spun around in the hammock swing until we were both dizzy and breathless, giggling at how the world around us was twirling so fast even after we had stopped?

"Take a picture Mamma!" you squealed with delight, "take a picture of us being dizzy together!"

That was when you told me you would be my Baby Forever, and that you didn't want to grow up because you loved me so, and that growing up eventually meant that you would have to leave me to spin in the swing all by myself.

I reassured you that some day soon you would want to grow up, that being a Baby Forever wasn't as much fun as being a Bigger Kid. Being a Bigger Kid meant that you got to do cool things, like riding a bike without training wheels or going to the mailbox by yourself, or going to the movies with your friends.

"If you were a Baby Forever, you couldn't do all those things that a Bigger Kid gets to do" I gently reminded you.

"Like going to school?" you hesitated, placing your little hands on my cheeks and staring into my eyes, the way you always do when you are very serious about something.

"Yes," I replied "like going to school. Your brother and sister are Bigger Kids, and they go to school."

Your eyes clouded with determination and you patted my face. "Well, you don't have to worry Mamma. I'll be your Baby Forever and I will stay with you so you won't be lonely. I think that I would miss you if I went to school."

My heart cracked open a little bit, and I had to swallow hard so you wouldn't hear the tears in my voice. "Oh My Sweet Boy," I whispered into your hair as you nestled your head into my neck, "you know that no matter how old you get, or wherever you go, you will always be my Baby Forever."

As the seasons changed and the years passed, I believed that you would be my Baby Forever. We spent our days reading and giggling, playing and snuggling as we wove an invisible nest of closeness and security around ourselves. It was a strong and cozy nest, and we were happy in it for a long time.

Sometimes though, even the strongest of nests are not always strong enough when the Winds of Change start to blow.

"Mamma, I miss playing with friends" you would now start to lament. Things that we used to do together didn't make you as happy as they once did. The soft and familliar nest that we shared together for five years was getting too small for you, and you were yearning to stretch your wings.

One day, you came to me with a troubled heart, and your chin quivered when I asked you what the matter was.

"I sometimes think that I would want to go to school, but then I feel sad because who would snuggle you?"

I took in the expression on your worried little face and realized that the time had come to let go. I smiled at you and pulled you onto my lap. "You would, My Sweet Boy! I think that if you went to school, then you might be happier. If you are happy, then Mamma is happy too. School is only for a little while during the day, and we would still have all the rest of the day to snuggle!"

You studied my eyes, tiny hands gently resting on my cheeks again for a few minutes before answering "I think I would feel proud if I went to school."

"Then you will go to school, and I will be proud too." I spoke into your hair as I hugged you close to me.

"But Mamma?" you squeezed tighter, "I'll still be your Baby Forever won't I? Even if I get big and go to school?"

With my heart in my throat, I kissed the top of your head, "Yes my love, you will always be my Baby Forever."

Exhale

2009-01-04T21:45:00.006-04:00

I think a little alone time is good for everyone. It gives us a chance to unwind from the events of the day, and to let the thoughts wander.

Connor tends to become overstimulated quite easily, and calming him is usually not an easy task. Oftentimes, I need to move him to a quieter, more soothing environment until he's not feeling so overwhelmed. Finding him sitting quietly on his own Friday evening came as a pleasant indication of his increasing autonomy and self awareness.

Tomorrow marks the beginning of another term at school for the two older kids, and a few new exciting projects for myself. After the hectic pace of the holidays, I'm looking forward to getting back into a normal routine again, and starting a few new ones.

I took advantage of some quiet time myself this weekend after the kids were in bed. It was nice to feel myself sinking into the sofa and finally being able to take that deep, relaxing breath...

Hope you find some quiet time for yourself this week too!

~Amy

In With the New - The Rest of 2008

2009-01-02T23:21:00.042-04:00

...was a blur really. Being busy will do that to a girl.

July 2008

We picked the first Strawberries from our garden. In a word - Delicious!
We ate a LOT of Strawberry Spinach Salad. It really doesn't get any fresher than this!
We made castles in the sand.
We skipped stones and enjoyed nature's beauty.

August 2008

It rained!!! And, it was the month of Horse Shows
and trophies.
Terran prepares for High School
and my very tanned sister Crissy moved to Alberta.

September 2008

This was The Month of New Starts. Terran started High School, Maddie started grade 6 and Connor started Homeschool Kindergarten.
We started a little thing called The Bathroom Reno.
My baby sister Kayla went away to College in Ontario
and I started taking care of children at home.

Oh! We celebrated our 3rd Wedding Anniversary too!

October 2008

We finally had Sunflowers and Pumpkins, Pumpkin Pies and Chicken Pot Pies...I have Pie Crust Issues. Please send Help. Thank You.
Kayla came home for Thanksgiving.
Terran needed a haircut.
Connor got pneumonia
and we were finally getting closer to having a completed bathroom. Almost.

November 2008

My oldest boy turned Fifteen. And still really needed a haircut.
Levi turned...older than legal drinking age.
My mom left for Alberta and had her birthday also.
WE FINISHED THE BATHROOM RENO!!! We went from this
to this in three very long months. It was totally worth the wait though.

December 2008

Did you think I was going to go on forever? I was beginning to think I might...

We got new windows and doors, and SOMEBODY finally got a haircut!
We decorated the house and settled in to celebrate Christmas with friends and family. And the pets of course.
The kids told stories by the fire - Kayla was home for the holidays
and so was Levi's sister, Martina.
We had a wonderful Christmas - Levi's parents, Martina and her husband Reg, my mom and Kayla were all here to share it with us. I truly felt blessed and happy to be where I am.

This past year certainly has been one filled with changes, and despite the many challenges, I feel ready to embrace whatever the New Year has to offer.
Wishing you and your loved ones all the best in 2009!

~Amy

Out with the Old - The First 6 months of 2008

2009-01-01T11:32:00.031-04:00

Happy New Year!!

Time to review the old year and get on with some new stuff! Whoo-hoo! I think 2008 will be hard to beat as far as "new stuff" goes though - we've had a TON of changes happen around here last year, some good, some not so much. We all made it to January 1, 2009 intact and for the most part, happy, so I'll consider that a success.

January 2008

The Big Ice Storm

during which we lost electricity for a week.
Friends and family whose electricity was restored before ours was had invited us into their homes for steamy showers, hot meals and warm conversation.

I lost my job at the Family Resource Centre.

My baby sister turned 17.I love her to pieces.

February 2008

Back Porch Reno!

We started off with a dark, gloomy cave of a room and gutted it...

and made it a bit brighter by painting the floor and walls. At first the walls were a beigey-green, but I didn't really like it, so Levi made it greener to get this pretty color...

but then I decided that I liked this color better. I changed it when he was at work one day. Then I took the kids to swimming lessons before he got home. He likes it now. The End.

I started working part-time at the Montessori School and loved it. Life was good.

March 20008

My baby turned Five

My baby sister went to Italy

By mid-month, what I thought was a stomach virus turned into something more serious. I lost 14 pounds in two weeks and continued to lose. I also started hemmoraghing. The rest of the month was spent visiting specialists and trying not to go insane. Because I was unable to continue working, I attempted to file for unemployment/sick benefits. I was eight hours short and did not qualify. The stresses of unemployment and illness left me feeling depressed and my marriage hit a rough patch. I felt inadequate as a mother. This was the worst month of the year for me.

Did I mention that my baby turned FIVE?? His little face makes everything so much better.He is my sunshine...

April 2008

I'm finally starting to get some answers, and my health had started to stabilize a bit.

My sweet girl turned Eleven and Connor and I made a special "Birthday Breakfast" for her.
I had a hysterectomy two days after her birthday, and spent the rest of the month trying to recover. Friends and family helped to boost my spirts and I started to feel hopeful about the future again.She really did this to herself...and I still giggle everytime I look at it!

May 2008

May saw a stronger me, both physically and emotionally.

I turned 33, and my parents came to visit from Newfoundland to help celebrate with me.

Even though my dad was recovering from an accident and subsequent shoulder surgery, he still managed to BBQ the best steaks ever with one arm. My sister Crissy was also here to chow down with us that night!

June 2008

My baby sister graduated from High School. I'm so proud of her...

This was a great reason to get all dressed up and head to the big city! LOL!
And of course the kids were on their best behavior

We also added to our family -we adopted Beckham from the PEI Humane Society.

We planted our veggie garden, and the kids finished school for the summer. Terran graduated from Jr. High.

Tomorrow, the Rest of the story! I know, I know, but try to contain your excitement! My computer won't let me do anything else and my eyes are starting to cross from staring at this stupid screen.

Stay Cozy!

Freedom Is Not Free

2008-11-11T09:24:00.003-04:00

May we always honor those who have fought for our country,

the ones who have returned, and the ones who did not.

May we always remember those who gave their lives for our freedom.

"Lest We Forget"

Fifteen

2008-11-05T11:44:00.009-04:00

My Dearest Terran,

Wasn't it just last year that you were placed into my arms, a wrinkled, red and bruised bundle ready to make his wailing debut into this world? My heart burst wide open with happiness the first time I heard you announcing your place in my world.

Perhaps it was last month when you broke eggs in the carpet, and then desperately tried to clean the mess away by rubbing them into the carpet. Even at the age of two, you wanted only to make Mommy happy. Oh, how you make me happy! Your crazy blonde "flop-a-hair" locks and baby blue eyes charmed me every time, and I couldn't help but chuckle at your cuteness. It wasn't long after that when you discovered the beauty in classical music, and questioned the stirring emotions you felt in your four year old soul.

Maybe it was only a week ago when you learned to ride your bike for the first time, or left me to join your friends at school. You didn't look back once you were on the bus that first day. I'm glad for that, you would have seen me crying as I stood there waving, trying my best to be brave.

I think it might have been yesterday when you left for school again, wearing a cast on your arm after flipping your bike at the neighbors house. I think you mumbled something about starting Jr. High. Or going to your first dance. I wasn't sure though, because I couldn't recognize your voice.

When you come home from High School this afternoon I'll still be here, waiting for you like I always have been. You will be different. It takes me a while to recognize the adult you are becoming. You sound like a man. You are taller than I am now, and your shoulders carry a young man's responsibilities. The more you grow up, and away from me, the more desperately I search for traces of the baby, the toddler, the little boy you used to be.

I still see him. He's there in your eyes, the way you still look to me for reassurance when things are uncertain. He's there in the smile that you seem to save only for those closest to you. He's still there when I peek in on you after you're sound asleep, as I watch your chest rising and falling in rhythm with your dreams. Your dreams have always been important, and I hope you follow them, wherever they may lead you.

Fifteen years ago I welcomed you into this world. You were my first. I was young and scared, but you made it so easy to be your mother. You taught me so much about life and about myself, and about unconditional love.

I'm proud of you. Proud of the person you are now, and of the man you will become. Happy Fifteenth Birthday Terran. I love you more than you will ever know.

xoxo
Mom

Looking Ahead

2008-11-04T11:13:00.005-04:00

It's 4 days after Halloween and I'm listening to Garfield's Christmas on TV. Awesome movie that I remember taping off TV back in tha' day. This one is the DVD version that we rented for Halloween because Connor was too sick to go out. It has Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas on it. Turns out that Levi took him to a couple of houses anyways and I watched it alone...but don't tell anyone!

Here's a few pics of the preparations at our house:

Now that Halloween is over, Connor's focus is all about Christmas. "Oh what fun..." Heehee!

Thankfully he seems to be over the worst of his Pneumonia. I'm all about treating ailments naturally, but Wow! Do I ever love Prednisone! After the second dose his coughing was reduced to the point where he could actually finish a sentence without gasping for breath or having another coughing fit. And to where I could actually doze off a bit between breathing treatments at night. Yay for sleep in two hour stretches! After 5 days on the stuff he's barely coughing at all! : )

So now that he's on the mend, I have all four littles back for daycare again. All with runny noses and phlegmy coughs. Not so great - inevitable I know, but still...so the cycle continues. *sigh*

At some point last night the culmination of the past week and a half without sleep and a compromised immune system hit me full in the face. My throat hurts. My nose is plugged and runny at the same time. My lungs are burning and I feel like I've been hit by a truck. Looking after 4 toddlers and a preschooler today? It's not a pretty sight.

On the positive side, an opportunity has presented itself and I can't turn it down. I've got some plans in the works that will allow me to be more available for my children, put my skills, education and training to good use and still bring in an income. It's going to mean that some big decisions will have to be made, (nothing bad though - we're not moving or anything like that!) and a lot of ground work at first, but in the end I know it will be worth it. I wish I could elaborate more, but until some things are firmed up I can't really divulge much information. I do know that if I'm able to successfully go ahead with my plans, I will be busy in a different and much less stressful way than I am now.

And that's good for everyone involved!

Keep Fingers From Cage

2008-10-27T14:00:00.001-03:00

I'm normally a pretty laid back person. Except for when I'm not. That would be when I'm tired, sick, hungry, cold or any combination of the above. Ever see the sign "Keep Fingers From Cage"? It's there for a good reason.

Today I'm feeling a wee bit "edgy". I have tons in my life to be thankful for, but today I just feel like walking away from my life for a while. For your reading pleasure today, a list of things that I ponder as I try to get over myself.

*Five people live in this house. Why am I the only person who notices the garbage needs to be taken out and actually does it?

*Why do I do everyone's laundry, fold it, and take it to the bedrooms but the only time anyone else ever does laundry is to wash something (as in three items) of theirs. Then complains when it sits in the washer for 2 days and starts to stink.

*Dishes? Please. I wash dishes at least 5 times a day. I hate coming into the kitchen in the morning and seeing last nights dishes all over the place. If I don't feel like washing the supper dishes then why don't you do it? Every single person in this house is capable of getting their hands wet. This is pisses me off the most.

*I care for 5, sometimes 6 children for 11 hours a day, 5 days a week, in addition to 3 of my own. 4 of these kids are under age 3. I am not complaining about this, it is my job and what I chose to do. But just because I do it at home does not mean that I am ready, willing and able to do your errands as well just because "I'm at home all day." My job is just as important as yours.

*I get tired and I want to relax once in a while. I need a break sometimes. Leaving the house (and me) on weekends to do your thing (even if it is for us) while I am left with a sick kid is not relaxing. I'm here all week - I want/need to leave the house too. Only I have to drag Sick Boy with me. Not fun for either of us.

*I need a grown-up to talk to. 15 minutes during supper or 10 minutes before bed doesn't cut it for me. I have a ton of thoughts and ideas and dreams. Care to listen sometime?

*I want to feel like I'm beautiful. I only feel tired and worn out. Paying attention to me after I've had to ask really doesn't make me feel all that special.

*I want to feel appreciated. For WHO I am, not what I do on a daily basis. Yah, the clothes get washed, the house is somewhat clean...I get that you appreciate having someone provide you with clean socks. However,there is more to me than my housekeeping skills.

*When I get frustrated like this, don't tease me and call me grumpy. Don't joke with each other in front of me about how easy it is to upset me. That has never helped. Try making me some tea or hugging me without trying to "fix things". How about some prevention instead of a cure? Just sit with me and let me talk. Or cry. Or take a nap. Whatever I need.

Just don't stick your fingers through the bars after you've rattled the cage- you might lose one.

Reno Post - The First of Many

2008-10-16T11:47:00.003-03:00

One of the benefits to being married to a hot young carpenter is that I don't have to hire anyone to fix stuff up around here...
I just have to ask him. If I'm lucky and have been a good little wifey, the job usually gets done within a prompt five years.

Years.

The List is long. Very, very long.

See the little baby blanket on the arm of the couch? The baby who belongs to that blankie is now five and a half.

So after Five Long Years, we've finally embarked on the long awaited Bathroom Reno. *heavenly chorus sounds from above*

Umm, yeah. Anyways...

Here's our lovely Powder Room before the Reno...

Would you believe that this couldn't even win us the Ugly Bathroom Contest at a local building supply store?

How charming. This is what lurks behind cheap wood panel. Who puts wood panels in a shower anyways? *shudder*

It was a two man job getting the old cast iron tub out of the bathroom (thanks Keir!)...

and another ordeal getting the thing down the stairs and turned at the landing...

Ok, how are we gonna get this turned?
I don't know-it's your tub! I thought you had a plan!

out the back door and finally loaded onto the truck.

That's it! Nothing else! I'm on vacation, remember?

Painting the house is also on The List, scheduled for Spring 2009.

While I love, love, LOVE my new bathtub and shower...

my real, actual, It's-Finally-Not-A-Handheld Shower...

Good Morning Mr. Moen!

And I'm tickled that the toilet is no longer in front of the window...

I'm longing for a decent place to store our towels (and for decent towels)...

and I miss having a sink.
For now,we wash our hands in the tub and brush our teeth at the kitchen sink.

Could I please draw your attention away from the Sweet Boy Child making a smoothie and towards this yucky I- Don't-Even-Know-What-This-Black-Stuff-Is counter...
and now to this slightly nicer Tile-It-When-Hubby's-In-Alberta-And-Can't-Do-Anything-About-It countertop...
He tried to stop me over the phone, because I've never tiled anything before, but I think we had a bad connection or something. That guy gets nervous about weird stuff. It'll do until we reno the kitchen...it's on The List for 2013.

We still have quite a bit of work to do - building and installing the vanity, painting the walls and putting up wainscott and laying the new floor. The necessities are in place and working and it's beginning to come together. The ceiling is painted, the walls are primed, and we've got the trim up around the 3/4 wall between the toilet and shower. I couldn't wait to put up the new shower curtain - it hints at the color scheme we're planning...isn't it pretty?

This weekend we'll be painting the walls. Levi has been building the vanity in the evenings, and it looks beautiful already. I'm not sure when it'll be going in, but you can be sure I'll post it - make sure you check back in again soon for more updates!

Covered in drywall dust,
Amy

Reasons Why

2008-10-02T12:52:00.003-03:00

Take the Savant out of the equation and you've got me.

I went to Pilates class last night feeling less than stellar. While the exercises felt great for my body, my head did not appreciate all I was trying to do and threatened to explode.

After Pilates, I went to the Superstore. I walked past the Pharmacy. Twice. I did not stop to get any Cold and Sinus medication. My sinuses hate me.

I also walked past the Natural Health section. I did not buy any more Oscillococcinum or Echinacea/Goldenseal tincture. I desperately need both.

I went to the Joe Fresh section and bought new bloomers for myself. They were cotton and were on sale at half price. I got size large. I am not a size large, and large thong unders on a medium size booty is just wrong. I can only hope they shrink in the washer, cuz even at three bucks for a pack of 5, I'm too cheap to go back and get the medium ones. Also because I don't want to grow my ass any bigger than it already is.

I went down the Paper Goods aisle and DID. NOT. BUY. KLEENEX. Um...hello? The main reason for my trip to Superstore in the first place was to get more Kleenex with lotion. We are a very Snotty Family these days.

I also did not call it a sick day today, and I am feeling like shit. I have two additional children here, and my head might blow up the next time someone so much as thinks about racing a car across the wood floor. We're not even gonna think about what might happen with the temper tantrums.

Tomorrow I am "calling in" sick, and staying my medium size ass in bed. Someone else is gonna have to go to Superstore - I think my brain fell out with that last sneeze.

The Anniversary Edition

2008-09-24T15:17:00.014-03:00

Three years ago I promised to love my best friend forever.

Three years ago I was moved to tears as he placed a ring on each of my two children's fingers and promised in a broken voice to always love them and cherish them as they were his own.

Three years ago I saw him for what he really was, an incredible man with a heart bigger than life itself, a man with the capacity to love me despite my many flaws.

Three years ago I thought I would die without him by my side.

Three years ago I considered myself the luckiest woman alive, simply because he had chosen to share the rest of his life with me.

Three years ago I would fall in love with him all over again, every time I caught a glimpse of those dimples and that charming grin.

Three years ago...

I still do.

Homeschool- The First Week (or so)

2008-09-12T10:38:00.004-03:00

Our first week of homeschool blended almost seamlessly into our regular routine.

We don't "do school" every day, because some days I have a full house of wee ones, and it just doesn't work out. Other times, my little pupil decides to take a road trip with Nana and Papa for days on end. (OK! It was only four days but it felt like forever!)

When we do have a chance to work at some lessons, it's always fun and at his pace. We don't do "school at home", with text books and lesson plans and his sweet little self hunched over the kitchen table all day. We don't adhere to Unit Studies, Charlotte Mason, Classical or Traditional methods. All are common styles of homeschooling and can vary as much as the individual family does. Some would classify our method as "Eclectic", "Child-Led" or "Unschooling". Personally, I prefer not to label everything.

If I had to label, I would like to think that we're more of a "Relaxed homeschool" family - perhaps with a Montessori influence. For us, school happens in the living room after supper, in Mamma's room on a Saturday morning, in the garden on a weekday afternoon, with Dad while he's working at the shop. My Sweet Boy is realizing that learning doesn't happen at a specific time when someone tells you "learn this". Learning is all the time. For him, learning is just a continuation of his toddler curiosity. It's finding out the answers to the stuff he's wondering about, often in a hands-on way. It's applying the answers to real-life situations.

All this is not to say he just plays all day with a "learning" label slapped onto it. Quite the opposite. This week we've mostly worked with Math and Language Arts. He could be found at the table working with numbers and quantity, with Number Cards and Gemstones. He's had to focus on his printing and the phonetic sounds of letters. He's made patterns and groups, with pictures and glue. While all this sounds like "fluff", it's the foundational work on which he will learn. This afternoon we're going to do some Botany. Tomorrow he starts Drama Classes - the perfect outlet for all his creative energies. And learning how a pumpkin grows from a seed? Well, that's just cool!

Already

2008-09-12T10:19:00.003-03:00

Every September, Levi and I jokingly make bets on when the first kid is going to get sick with some virus they've picked up at school. Not that we think it's funny that the kids get sick, but with three kids, we've learned to have a sense of humor about accepting the inevetable.

I placed my bet at three and a half weeks from the first day, Levi placed his at five weeks. Traditionally, the sniffles and scratchy throats start to appear around the end of September/beginning of October.

Terran came home with a fever of 102F on Wednesday. Maddie has had a scratchy throat since yesterday, and this morning Connor woke up with a stuffy nose.

School started exactly one week ago yesterday.

It's going to be a long year.

Homeschool - The First Day

2008-09-02T20:37:00.005-03:00

This morning Connor was standing in the kitchen at 7am, fully dressed, red notebook under his arm, beaming at me.

"I'm ready for my first day of Homeschool Kindergarten Mommy!"

He is more than ready to learn. He wants to do so much, and some of it before he's really ready. He had his "Bob Books" out this morning and was reading from a couple of those. He was doing well and was feeling pretty good about it until the little boy I babysit started reading it out loud to me too. (both boys are the same age)

Connor snapped the book shut and refused to read any more - the little boy gloated and said that it was easy. Connor didn't say anything but I could tell his feelings were hurt.

Later this afternoon we were doing a fall craft, one that involved coloring leaves and cutting them out. Each of the boys decorated their leaves the way they wanted, and then came time for cutting. Connor navigated the curves of his leaf with ease, cutting around the outline. The little boy couldn't hold the scissors properly, so I showed him again (we did some scissor work last week) how to hold the scissors, and he went to it. He ended up cutting his leaf into strips and tiny bits, saying that he wanted to cut it up and he didn't like leaves.

Connor looked over and gave him another paper with a leaf on it. "If you color this one, I can help you cut it out. You can take it home and show your Mom."

He looked at the leaf for a long time before accepting it, then looked at Connor. "OK. My mom likes leafs. I'll let you read to your mom next time, Connor"

It was the closest thing to an apology I've ever heard from this boy, and Connor accepted it with a sincere smile.

Any doubts I had about Homeschooling this morning disappeared with my boy's quiet, confident smile.

Queen of DeNial

2008-07-09T08:32:00.004-03:00

So I sat down in front of the computer just now and gave myself a harsh reality check. It’s all about the (looks around) budget.

Ssshhhh!!!! Don’t say it out loud… it’s a bad word in this house! That one little word sets the little hairs on the back of my neck on end. Goosebumps and all that. That word means get to your corners and put the gloves on. Only now, I know it’s because my spending habits are out of control. Even worse? My husband is right. Oh, the indignity of it all!

*sigh*

I’ve been bitching about how tight the money is since I’ve finished up at work. You know, because we’re down to one income and all. Even though I get my lovely little Child Tax Benefit every month and Child Support Payments from The Ex, the extra income when I was working had become necessary in maintaining a balanced account. I’ve been trying to figure out how to make more money while still being at home this summer. (The cost of childcare for 2 kids would not be worth going out to work) Then it dawned on me that if I can’t Make More Money, maybe I should Spend Less!!! (Have I mentioned that I’m a bit slow when it suits me? No?)

Now there’s a concept! Only, I don’t really spend THAT much do I? I mean, it's not like there's any extra TO spend... Ok, I think you get the picture here. It’s the one that looks like me in denial, only with better hair. And manicured nails. *blush* A book I’ve recently read states that the word Denial could easily stand for “Don’t Even Notice I Am Lying”. Ladies and Gentlemen, I have been totally lying to myself.

I tracked my spending. May I just say in my own defence, OUCH!?!?!

Bottom line says that if I planned my trips to town, ate before I left home (Fast food places were on there a lot), and actually thought about all the un-necsesary crap that I was buying (Dollar Store, Dairy Bar and Pet Store) I would have at least an extra $230.00** a month. That’s a whole lot of money to be throwing away!!

This month, I am challenging myself to track EVERY. CENT. I. SPEND. Also, try my best to be responsible about what it actually is I’m spending on. No more French Mani’s for me thankyouverymuch! At this point I have nothing to lose and about $230.00 or more to gain.

What’s worked for you?

**This figure does not include the price of Fuel for my senseless random trips to Wherever It Is I think I need to go for no reason other than Just Getting Out of the house because I'm bored. I’m afraid to know how much gas I’m actually wasting on un-necessary trips to town.

Random Bits of Bloggy Blathering...

2008-05-22T09:29:00.005-03:00

*knocks on screen*

Hello?? Anyone out there anymore?

*crickets chirping*

Whatever. I'm still gonna write, and if you want to join in by reading then I'm all too happy to have you here for a bit. And maybe you can leave a nice comment or something? Please?

Yes, I've been away for waaay too long. But all that is changing now, because I have *pause for dramatic effect* High Speed Internet!!

Things are slowly getting back to normal I think (hope).

* Recovery from surgery is slower that I would have liked, but I am only at the 4 week mark. I feel pretty good most of the time, but my body is quick to remind me later on that I still need to take it easy. (I'm not sure what's killing me more, the no exercising/yoga/pilates for 6-8 weeks or the no umm.. er, "relations" for 6 weeks. It's a toss up!) Yes, I did just say that...

* Shopping!!! I have spent an obscene amount of time (and only a moderate amount of money) on myself lately. Once I got past that nagging "Mommy Guilt" from taking time and money to do something for myself, I made an appointment and got my hair done yesterday. It looks great - I love it. Completely chopped off into a cute bob, or as some would call it, a "Pob", after Posh Spice's latest look. Although I don't think mine is as short as hers. Something different and easier for the warm weather I hope we'll get soon. I also bought myself some new organic & mineral make-up, since my old stuff was used up long ago and I've been walking around with a naked face. And I got new Wellies!! Pink plaid ones...if we're going to have rain for weeks at a time, at least I can have some fun with it and wear the proper footwear! Who said retail therapy doesn't work?

*Did I mention we finally have High Speed Internet?

*Madeline is into Track & Field and Soccer, so four out of five days I am required to play the role of her chauffeur. Since she is also a social butterfly, I do after practice pick-ups at various friends houses as well.
Terran is rocking out on his newest guitar, a sweet blue Fender that was a gift to him from my dad. The sound out of that thing is amazing... He is going to the Music Rocks Academy "Learn to Play in a Band" summer camp in July. I think it's going to be an awesome experience for him!
Connor is his usual jolly self, and he makes me laugh on a daily basis. He told me that I was "this cool" and made a "loser" sign with his finger and thumb. I know what he meant but it didn't stop us from busting a gut laughing... I bought him some "BOB Books" that we will start on in the fall, they're grade 1 level and perfect for where he is at right now (and will be later on) with his reading. I love that he has such strong literacy skills at such a young age - not even in Kindergarten yet!

*Pets - Ok, pet. Lilly still pukes on an almost daily basis. Is it because she eats too fast, or gets all worked up before she eats and then "splat!" there it is again? I thought of hairballs, but she's a shorthair and there's never any hair in it. Last year the vet put her on some "special" (read EXPENSIVE) food but it really didn't seem to make a difference. Also, I've been checking out the Pet Insurance sites. Does anyone have insurance on their pet? Last year we spent a small fortune on her with her urinary crystals and dehydration and everything else. One site quoted me $11.00 a month for some pretty decent coverage. Levi thinks I'm insane for considering it, his argument is "She's a barn cat!" True, she was. But HE brought her into our home when she was teeny tiny and she's family now. I would hate to think that a couple hundred dollars might mean the difference between having her here and having her put down. Eleven dollars a month starts to look pretty affordable when you consider it cost us $400.00 last year alone in vet bills before we even got her spayed...

And, we're considering adding to our family. A fur baby, I mean. We've had the privilege of looking after my sister's husky, Silver, for a few months. I really enjoyed having her here. She's such a well behaved dog, and I love her personality. Not to mention how beautiful she is...Anyways, I've really wanted a dog for a long time now, since well before Christmas actually. I've been doing lots of research and the two we've narrowed it down to are the American Cocker Spaniel or Siberian Husky. I know, so different! They each have the intelligence and personalities that we're looking for, and both breeds are great with children, gentle, playful, etc. Both breeds are beautiful too, so that doesn't make it any easier to choose. Our house and yard are big enough for either breed, so that makes it harder to choose too. There's pros and cons to both breeds, so I guess it will be a surprise to us all when the time comes to get our new addition! (And yes, I checked out Pet Insurance for dogs too!)

So let's hear from you. Is pet insurance a crock or not? American Cocker Spaniel or Siberian Husky? Regular, Organic, Mineral, or no make-up at all? Wellies or wet feet? How long should a 14 year old boy be allowed to grow his hair, and should an 11 year old girl be allowed to get her own "Facebook?" And does anyone want to come over and clean up this cat puke?

"Rainy Days and Mondays...

2008-05-19T12:49:00.004-03:00

...always get me down."

I've had a wonderful weekend at home with my family these past few days. It was wonderful in part because Friday was my birthday, but also because my dad and step-mom were visiting from Newfoundland. I haven't seen them since last August, and I haven't spent my birthday with my dad since I was fourteen. The kids were thrilled to have someone new to showcase their talents in front of, and I think my parents were just as delighted to sit and enjoy the quirky little people that are their grand kids.

With me still recovering from my surgery three weeks ago and my father recovering from shoulder surgery a week ago, it really didn't take too much to tire either one of us out. As is typical of my parents, they spoiled us all rotten - Olive took Maddie and I shoe shopping, and Dad managed to BBQ the most amazing steaks with one arm in a sling. By the time evening fell though, we were more than ready to sit and relax in front of a crackling fire. It was comforting, having them here, and it felt good to feel connected to family again.

I've mentioned before that it's not so much the "where I grew up" that I feel a longing for, but rather the "how". I know my childhood was less than ideal, but I had a great younger childhood and my dad played a huge part in that. He was a very "hands-on" parent, always involved and introducing us to new things. After he and my mom divorced, most of my relationships with extended family and other positives in my life also disappeared, and so I've always associated the happier times with him.

This morning Dad and Olive left for Nova Scotia, where they will stay until next week before returning to Newfoundland. I've learned to deal with the good-byes over the last nineteen years, and they've become easier. I know that I will see them again soon, likely within the year. Somehow, that doesn't make it any easier, and I know that I will miss my dad. Suddenly I am fourteen again. The sadness I feel every time I say good-bye to him has lodged itself in my throat, and the ache of "homesickness" that had eased while he was here has settled once again in my chest.

I really hope the sun comes out tomorrow, but for today, it can rain.

The Bitter Numbers

2008-04-14T15:44:00.004-03:00

Because I simply have nothing else to do before my surgery next week, I will share with you a little snippet of my life lately.

8 months since I hemorrhaged
34 weeks since I was referred to the specialist
1 fucked up Provincial Health Care System on PEI
242 days I struggled with this problem
21 days ago I finally had my appointment with the specialist
5 days ago since I received date of surgery from hospital
8 days till surgery
56 days out of commission
8 weeks without receiving a paycheck, leaving
0 dollars in my bank account.

During those “eight weeks out of commission”, the following will still need to be taken care of:
168 meals
112 snacks
219 loads of laundry (roughly)
24 days of scrubbing the bathroom
56 days of general house cleaning
12 trips to the grocery store
4 mortgage payments
2 bank payments
224 kisses goodnight.

As if that weren't enough, I've developed a completely unrelated, yet undiagnosed illness. There has also been:

35 consecutive days of unrelenting abdominal pain, resulting in
15 pounds lost in about
14 days.
3 pounds were gained back, but it took
21 days to gain these back.
8 visits to the doctor, who ordered
34 different blood and other tests, coming up with
3 possible diagnoses.
1 referral to yet another specialist to confirm diagnosis
28 days ago
0 phone calls from specialist.
1 completely fucked up Provincial Health Care System
4 weeks off work so far, plus another
2 months after surgery in
1 week still leaves
0 dollars in my bank account.

So because of this, my Doctor suggested that I might be able to apply for Sick Benefits through the Employment Insurance Program. I need:

600 hours of work in the past
52 weeks in order to be eligible. I have
588 hours.
12 hours short … still leaving
0 dollars in my bank account and
0 government support because I have
1 husband who works
40 plus hours a week.

Leaving us with:

3 children
1 house and related expenses to look after on
1 income. All because of
1 completely fucked up Provincial Health Care System.

Ask me if I’m bitter…

Comfort and Joy

2008-02-27T10:31:00.005-04:00

I finally got onto Blogger again! Yay!

Has it really been almost six months since my last post? Wow. I've been writing still, hoping for the day that I could post something, anything on here again. So you will have to excuse the lateness of some of the posts, one was written around Christmas, the other around Valentine's Day. I have missed posting but I've still been reading my favorites, so I don't feel completely out of the loop.

(Oh, and I ended up keeping the stroller, but I still spoke to my doctor. Turns out that I'm "normal"...)

This next post was written around the holidays, but I think the message still remains timeless. We should all practice gratitude, regardless of the season...

Her hands trembled as she cautiously opened the bag. Nothing was wrapped, but that was OK. She had not asked for much. She hadn’t asked for anything really, as she had learned long ago that with expectation also came disappointment. Already overwhelmed by this unexpected show of generosity from those she did not know, she was close to tears and holding her breath when she was handed the simple plastic bag.

“Ohhh!” was all she could whisper as she pulled a small pair of brand new winter boots from the bag. “Oh he’ll be so warm in these! And they’re so nice!” The tears spilled over as she was handed yet another bag, this one containing a new pair of pants and a cozy fleece sweater in the exact size that her young son wore.

Smiling gratefully through her tears, she found her voice once more. “I really didn’t expect anything…” she began, looking down at the new boots once again, and then at the large box of groceries that sat by her feet, so thankful for the kindness of strangers.

Her son would be warm this winter. There was food to put in the cupboards. It’s been difficult lately, but this… this would help make it easier. That was all that mattered to her. Her son’s comfort was more important than the fact that she wished she could provide all this for him on her own. She knew she was doing her best with the resources she had, and she had tried to make her peace with this. Pride had no place in this home, where love was abundant even if the money wasn’t.

When you are rushing around this season, stressing about what you “need” to get and trying to find that “perfect gift”, take a moment to reflect on where you are in your life right now. Has it always been easy for you? Have you ever been grateful for the kindness of strangers? In the end, is it really going to matter what label your jacket had on it, or what that must have trendy toy was? Remind yourself that the simple things, the basic things, are the things that are most important – love, comfort and joy.

The joy to be found in the simple act of giving to those less fortunate is profound. It reminds us to be appreciative of the things we have, and can humble us when we have been taking what we consider “basic comforts” for granted. It can allow for a new perspective on the life we have now, guide us towards the simpler life we want to live, and help us to re-organize our priorities. The practice of giving – this in itself is a gift for our own soul, but when we can provide this comfort to families who must otherwise do without, the joy will follow.

Letting Go

2007-09-15T13:15:00.001-03:00

I thought I've had a pretty good handle on things that have been going on lately in my life. Boy, was I wrong! Today I feel completely incapable of dealing with a minor thing, and I'm wondering how the hell I can get through the big stuff, when something little sets me into a crying jag... Where to begin? How about the events of the summer?

In the last three months, I:

* made the difficult decision to return to work outside the home.
* started a new job I wasn't really crazy about.
* sent my thirteen year old to Army Cadet Camp in New Brunswick for six weeks.
* found out I need to have a hysterectomy.
* quit new job.
* had to let my ex have my ten year old daughter for the month of July. He involved his lawyer.
* visited my parents and grandparents in Nova Scotia. (they're not all bad things!)
* did not receive child support payment. Had to deal with ex again.
* returned to Nova Scotia for my grandfather's funeral.
* had to deal with ex again, this time about buying school supplies. Involved his lawyer again.
* drove my four year old to his first day of school (Montessori- he loves it)
*watched the bus take my daughter to grade five and my son to his last year of Jr. High.
* started new job that I absolutely LOVE!
* took daughter to Dr., saw a teacher there, discovered daughter has Ringworm but is OK to be at school.
* dealt with teacher questioning daughter on reason for Dr. visit, making daughter tell other teacher, which made daughter feel humiliated and embarrased.

OK. I dealt with all the above and the things that surround them. I cried, I bitched, I did whatever I needed to do to help me cope, and I dealt with them all and got on to the next thing. EXCEPT this one:

* was informed by husband today that we were giving Connor's jogging stroller to someone TOMORROW.

Compared to everything on the list, this is SO minor. Not even a blip on the radar. But I haven't been able to stop the feelings of sadness that are crashing over me and I'm not sure why I'm feeling as if my husband is asking me to give away a part of myself. I mean, it's a STROLLER!! I haven't used it since May because of work and the heat of the summer. I should be happy to get rid of it, right? Free up some space? I got rid of the crib and some other baby stuff - why not the stroller?

I'm trying to sort through all this in my head. Is it about the actual stroller or that One Last Thing, the proverbial "Straw"? The fact that two months ago he told this girl she could have it before he spoke to me about it first? The fact that he first mentioned it to me IN FRONT OF HER later that day?
Is it the fact that I told him later that I felt he put me on the spot and I wasn't ready to part with it, that I still do use it for the long walks? Or is it because it is the very first thing we bought for our son when he was two months old, that it was a birthday present to me?
Is it because I have four years of memories of Connor in that stroller, and because it can hold kids up to 60lb, I thought I would have it longer?
Am I upset because I thought that two months ago he was going to set things right, explain that he spoke before he discussed it with me and that I wasn't all right with giving it up just yet? Or am I upset because he hasn't done this, and he cannot figure out WHY I'm upset about it, so now I'm feeling as if he's heard my words but hasn't listened to my heart.

I'm upset about all of these. I wasn't ready. I'm NOT ready. I still planned to use it. I love going for long walks with Connor on crisp fall days. I'm truly in a tailspin. After all I had to face this summer, I never thought that something like a stroller could set me into such a state. As I was leaving the house to come write this, he was in the kitchen getting it cleaned up a little. I couldn't talk to him as I was leaving, and he couldn't understand.

Once I got here, and sat for a minute, I realized that it IS more than just a stroller. It is my solace. Had the day been nice today, I would've put Connor in the stroller and walked. I walk to calm my mind. I walked to ease my depression in the early days of new motherhood. I walked with Connor to hear first his excited babbles, later to lull him to sleep, and now to enjoy his budding curiosity, his questions and comments of the world we pass by. I have always felt that I would pass it on when I no longer feel a need for it, and to someone who I am close to. It has meaning to me, and even though it may seem silly, it does hold a tremendous amount of sentimental value. His crib? Given to us. Connor slept with us 90% of the time anyways. Maybe that's why I could part with it without a second thought. But this damn stroller... I know it's only a stroller and not my actual child, but still...
Is it normal to feel this way about an object? Is this just the icing on the cake of a mostly miserable summer? I know that I've had a lot of stuff going on in the last three months, a lot of big changes. Is it a Mom Thing to not want to part with the baby things until you're ready? Is this my wake-up call, that I haven't dealt with things at all if I can't cope with this? Should I talk to my doctor? Should I just suck it up and deal with this too? Let's hear your thoughts...

I Spy

2007-07-24T12:12:00.001-03:00

The twilight had finally fallen and Connor was giggling in that excited way only four year olds seem to know how to do.

Earlier that evening, he and his Daddy had set up the tent in the back yard. It was going to be their first camp out together. I had watched, silently amused as he made the many trips up and down the stairs to gather all the important things necessary for his night of camping. There was “Lion Keekee” of course, his beloved and tattered flannel receiving blanket from babyhood. There was also “Sunshine Keekee”, a newer blanket sometimes used when Lion was in the wash, a teddy simply named “Bear”, his pillow, and a little green striped fleece cushion he lovingly calls “Pidda”.

Once the tent was filled and the bonfire had been started, Connor came into the house to get me. “You have to close your eyes and I will show you my tent,” he instructed as he led me by the hand to the back yard. “And we have a CAMPFIRE!” he exclaimed as he jumped up and down with his arm extended towards the firepit. “Let’s roast some marshmallows!” he said in his best “Let-The Games-Begin” kind of voice.

Once the marshmallow roasting began, he snuggled onto my lap. He had been waving his marshmallow around on an old wire coat hanger that has been straightened, and was not having much luck with this particular one. After I had asked if he wanted me to roast it for him, he gave the wire to me. Now he could concentrate on more important stuff.

“Hey Dad, wanna play I spy?” he asks.

“Sure buddy! You go first.”

“Ok! I spy with my little eye, something that is Shingle-y!” he said, eyeing up the barn roof.

“Umm, the house?” guessed Levi, trying not to chuckle.

“Nope!”

“The barn?”

“Nope!” Connor took the marshmallow that I had roasted for him and was looking at it admiringly.

“Mommy is a good marshmallow roaster, isn’t she Bud?” Levi too had noticed the golden piece of perfection *snicker* that Connor was now biting into. “Hmm…Is it the roof?”

“Yeah, the barn roof!! Yay! You got it!! Your turn now!”

“Ok… I spy with my little eye, something that is white and sticky!” he grinned towards Connor’s marshmallow.

Connor looked down at the marshmallow he was holding.

“Me!” was his immediate reply.

Flattery Will Get You Everywhere

2007-04-05T10:41:00.001-03:00

The hard thing about working from home is the lack of entertainment for the little guy during the time I have to get some work done. It is only at these times he realizes that he even has a mother and will climb on my lap, plead with me to play hockey with him, get him a snack or read him a story. Repeatedly. But if I'm not busy and I ask him? Well, you know how it goes. "No thank you Mama! I just wanna look at stuff with my magnifying glass OK? You can read to me later if you want, OK Mama?"

Sure.

This morning I was sitting at the computer working on a proposal for a new fitness program for the YMCA. Connor had been interrupting me all morning asking for snuggles, would I put on a particular movie, would I play a certain game, or could I get him a snack. After the movie was playing, his granola bar gone, the cup of soy milk emptied and the orange eaten, he came into the room once again and asked for a fruit cup.

"You're not gonna let me get any work done today, are you buddy?" I asked him as we made our way to the cupboard.

"Well, you're very nice Mama!" he beamed at me.

"I am, huh? I still need to get my work done though..." I chuckled.

"And you're very pretty too!" he piped up as I reached for the fruit cups.

"Well!" I laughed. "That's nice of you to say..."

He points a little finger at me and says "Mama? You are loved!"

I laughed again as I scooped him up into my arms and buried my face into his wild hair, breathing in his sweet little boy smell and told him that he too was loved.

Then we sat down and ate our fruit cups, together.

Humble Pie

2007-02-21T11:01:00.001-04:00

Have you ever noticed how your little angels have an uncanny ability to crack the lid off your composure and you totally bust into hysterical giggles at the most inappropriate moment?
Or how you're having a "my-butt-looks-not-too-bad-in-these-jeans-today" kinda day and they stick that little pin of reality into your bubble of vanity, mid-strut?
Or how they just come out with the most honest of observations (loudly) and you wish the floor would open up and devour you?

Connor is a charmer and he knows it. Little old ladies want to pinch his cheeks and the rest of them always tell him how cute he is. He's got these huge green eyes, long, thick dark lashes and dimples I could drown in. He's so much like his Daddy...

Last week we braved the bitter cold to visit a local department store for some new threads. I had chosen a pair of workout pants and a cute bikini to try on. I was feeling pretty good about my new fitness regime and was quite happy with the results I was seeing in my butt. I pranced towards the fitting rooms, feeling confident that my tush looked better than it had in a long time, and I was having a good hair day too. Connor started flirting with the young lady that was working there. He asked her a ton of questions about everything, and was drawing a crowd of admiring bystanders. (I guess the staff had nothing better to do maybe?) I had one of those "My kid is so cute and smart-I love him to pieces" moments as he and I went into the fitting room.

Still chattering away, he admired himself in the mirror as I tried on the pants. "Uh, Mama? I think you shouldn't get those pants." He lowered his eyes, turned slightly and coyly glanced over one shoulder at himself. "They're too exercise-y! I think that you have a big booty!" I could hear the girls outside giggling at his critique.
Thankful he was at least distracting himself with his own vanity, I ditched the pants and began to try on the bikini over my undies. "Hey Mama! I see your booty crack!" The girls outside were trying not to snicker too loudly. " Uh, Mama? Why do you have a 'shina?"

There was a split second of silence in which I was prepared to explain again the difference between boys and girls, knowing that we were being overheard. The girls were fighting the urge to bust out laughing.

At that exact second, Connor broke wind. Loudly. "Dude! I just farted! Ugh! That's rotten!" he announced proudly as he giggled. The girls outside howled with laughter. I wanted to die.

I made him excuse himself and got dressed to make the walk of shame back out of the fitting room. As I opened the door, some of the girls were still red faced and giggling. "How'd you get along in there?" one asked me, smiling broadly as I handed her the pants and put the bikini in the cart.

"Oh, it was a blast!" I giggled. "Which way to the Humble Pie?"

Over-reaction?

2007-01-14T13:43:00.001-04:00

Connor and I were at Burger Thing with my mother, my sister and her friend (both 16). It was 1pm on a Thursday. The place was pretty much empty. Besides us, there was another little family - a mother, her infant son and four year old daughter. There were also four rowdy teenagers, three girls and a boy, probably all around the age of 15 or 16. Before I go any further, please don't think that I discriminate against teenagers because of the way they look or act. My son is a teen now, and I would hate to think that someone doesn't like or trust him just because he is male, of a certain age, noisy, and might dress differently. I prefer to think all kids are good kids until they prove otherwise.

Connor decided he had to use the bathroom. I took him by the hand and walked in to the ladies washroom. There inside were the three teenage girls, AND the boy. IN THE LADIES WASHROOM!!! He was trying to "hide" by turning his back towards me, two of the girls were nervously giggling, the other was glaring at me with a cold look, almost challenging me to say something to her.

I looked at the guy and said "You know this is a GIRLS bathroom right?"

"Yeah." he says, snickering.

"Ok then - Buh-bye!" I hold the door open for him to leave.

"They made me come in here" he laughs, almost embarassed as he walked toward the door.

The other girl continues to stare at me cooly.

"You can't think for yourself?" I'm shocked to hear myself say this to him.

My three year old son is right there with me, after all. And this teenager is not my son, this is another woman's child. Would she be pissed at me for speaking sharply to her son like that? How dare I speak to him like that? - I'm a stranger to him. Would she be mortified at her son's behavior like I would be if it was my oldest and tell him that he's lucky "that lady" only told him to leave? And that I thought I taught him about being true to himself and about not giving in to peer pressure?

They all file out of the washroom and not another word is said. Connor does his thing, we wash our hands, and go back out into the restaurant. The teenagers have left.

This incident itself was harmless enough. I think the boy's pride was the only thing that was hurt. We live in a small place, and even the "city" is fairly small, where most people know who you are or who your family is. That in itself is the dangerous part. It sets us up for a false sense of security.

My nine year old daughter likes to be independent. She gets offended when she needs me to escort her to the bathroom in a public place. I refuse to let her go to a public washroom alone. She's never alone in public, for that matter. My thirteen year old son knows that I will wait by the door of a public washroom that he is in. He usually goes before we leave the house to avoid this "embarassment". I'm just not ready to put them in a situation that they may not be able to get out of. Does this make me overprotective?

We hear too many stories on the news about horrible things happening to children. But isn't that how these stories get on the news? We feel safe enough, comfortable enough at one o'clock on a Thursday afternoon at a "family restaurant" to let our children run to the bathroom unattended?

My children are the most precious things in the world to me. Of course I want to protect them to the best of my ability. But am I going too far? I know nothing happened. I know that those kids are probably harmless, they're likely adored by their parents and generally good kids. They were just fooling around and being kids. Maybe I am too overprotective, but I don't want to take that chance that whoever is in there with my kids aren't "just kids being kids."

It's not even the fact that it was teenagers, or even a teenage boy for that matter. What shook me the most was how easy it is for Something Horrible to happen to a child. I'm trying to teach my children about peer pressure, doing the right thing, and how to be careful (read Not Scared) of "strangers". After all, friends used to be "strangers" at one point. But how can I convince them of this when all I can think of when something like this happens is "I saw on the news last night about a little girl..."?

De-Lurking Week!

2007-01-11T22:42:00.001-04:00

I'm seeing this all over the place this week, and I gotta come clean. You ready?

I tend to be a lurker more than a commenter. *gasp from the audience*

I know, I know!! I'm such a bad bloggy friend! LOL! Here's the deal then-I'll say hello when I drop by to read your blog if you'll do the same. (please?) I do have some readers, don't I?

*crickets*

Welcome to those of you who have recently left a comment - I love hearing from you! (Yeah, I know. It is all about me, isn't it?) Make sure you check out the blogroll on the left too- I've added a couple of new friends to my list of favorites. They're great blogs, so if you stop by there make sure you say hello!

Ready, set, de-lurk!!

My Bad!

2007-01-09T16:16:00.001-04:00

Since Connor learned how to use the toilet, he has always sat down to do whatever it is that needs to be done. He probably should learn to pee standing up. His dad isn't here though and I don't have the "equipment" to show him how. I've tried once or twice to get him to go standing up, but he's more comfortable sitting. No biggie, he's only 3, right?

Last week (I think it was Saturday maybe?) we were at the Dollar Store and he had to go pee. We found our way to the staff washrooms behind the store and he proceeded to sit down and do his thing. Only he was so busy looking around and asking questions that he forgot to uh...point it downwards into the bowl. So yeah, it kinda went straight onto the back of his underwear and soaked them.

I took them off him, and since his pants were pulled down lower than his undies, they were still dry, so he went commando under the pants. I rinsed his undies in the sink, wrapped them in a huge wad of paper towel and put them in my purse. (They're Bob the Builder!!)

Today I was searching for my Lip Balm and remembered that I left it in my purse. I found Connor's underwear still wrapped in the wad of paper towel - in my purse where I put it FOUR days ago.

I need a new purse.

A Day in Numbers

2007-01-08T01:19:00.001-04:00

4: number of hours of sleep I had last night. Note to self: chocolate before bed? Not so good.

3: the number of zits I woke up with this morning. Note to self: chasing chocolate before bed with 2 huge glasses of cow's milk is also a very bad idea. BAD.

1: number of times Connor compared my new horns to that of a Triceratops.

4: number of times I looked in the mirror and was reminded why I don't do the dairy thing.

3: number of times I got growled at by one of my kids for calling him by the other kid's name.

2: number of times I spoke to Levi on the phone today!

3: number of times I lost the cordless phone, my cell phone or my apple(?!) in all the chaos of the day's activities.

3: number of times my heart cracked open a little bit today because of something one of the kids said about how much they miss Levi. (or the Christmas Tree...post for another day!)

1: number of times I cried today. (getting better!!)

131,426: number of times I thought about Levi and missed him. (roughly)

17,837: number of needles that fell on the floor when taking the decorations off the tree today.

23,674: number of needles that fell on the floor as I dragged the tree outside.

2: number of needles left on the tree.

7: number of hours spent sorting through books in computer/exercise room. Not only are they now sorted, they are also shelved and categorized by theme,subject and um... in descending height...(I know, I need to get out more)

324: number of books I put on the new shelves for the kids. (I wasn't kidding when I said they had hundreds of books!!)

53: number of books we are donating to the library or hospital because we have doubles or have "moved on" since getting those books.

58: number of books I have to toss out because of damage from dampness (long story, we're not gonna go there tonight), crayons, teeth(??), torn covers, age or other.

435: total number of books I have in the same room with me right now, and I'm a bit giddy knowing that this number does not include any of the books on the "grown up" bookshelf in the sitting room (there's lots there!!), nor does it include any of the books or magazines the kids or I have in our rooms or closets!! (Nerd much?)

6: number of hours of sleep I will get before Connor comes tearing into my bedroom with his Diego pillow/doll thingie and Lion Keekee (sookie blanket) flying behind him if I go to sleep right now!

SIXTEEN: number of years ago I attended the birth of my little sister and earned bragging rights as The Very First One To Hold Her. She was a beautiful baby and has blossomed into a stunning, intelligent young lady. I'm so proud of her for who she is and who she will become! Happy Sweet Sixteenth Kayla! I Love you!

The Post Where I Blather On...

2007-01-06T23:51:00.001-04:00

It's a rainy Saturday night here at my house. It's 11 degrees above zero. And there was LIGHTNING!!! Did Mother Nature forget that it's January in Atlantic Canada?!? Where is all the snow and stuff that makes winter so fun?? Most people would be telling me that rain is easier to deal with than snow - no shovelling. Maybe at their house. Here, not so much. I'd take snow over rain any day. Snow is pretty and makes the ground look clean and bright. A marshmallow world - you can play in it and not get covered in mud. And when it snows, my basement and back porch doesn't leak.

"Ahhh..." you might say with complete understanding. See - I haven't lost my mind- I'm just tired of mopping up leaks off the floor and wearing rubber boots to put wood in the furnace! "Wait - what?" you might ask, "Furnace? Isn't it 11 degrees?" Um, yeah... but it's damp and there is water all over the basement... so I have a fire going and it's just a wee bit warm in here. Normally I like it warm in the house. I'm One Of Those People who like to crank the heat then walk around in my tank top, boxers and fuzzy slippers. Not tonight though. Terran and I were putting together two shelving units for some of the hundreds of books we seem to have everywhere.

Ever try to assemble anything with a thirteen year old who's been up all night playing video games with his buddy? Or with the mother who was up all night trying not to hear the thirteen year old who was up all night playing video games with his buddy? I'm sure to an outsider it was probably not the best way to spend a Saturday night, but it really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I mean, I got a blister on my palm and all, but the shelves are done, I have a place to put some of the books we're currently using and nobody got hurt by airborne screwdrivers. That in itself is pretty sweet! LOL!

Ok, other news. Our van is officially on the way out. It's beginning to cost more just to keep it going than it would to actually have a new(er) vehicle. So we're (I'm) looking. This week I have learned/decided that I do not like car/van/SUV shopping. And that The Next Used Car Dealer that calls me sweetheart had better be wearing a cup. I bet they wouldn't do that if Levi was with me.

I also learned/decided that I can not buy ink for the printer either. I even showed the girl working at The Store what my printer looked like so she could show me what kind of ink cartridges I needed to buy. Turns out that I was close, but not close enough. I got home and realized that having The Transparent Blue Lid on your printer apparently is different than having The Solid Beige Lid, and that even though they may look identical in every other way, the cartridges are just not the same (they looked identical to the ones I took out!) So I had to go back to The Store and get the correct ones, which of course were also twice the cost of the ones I had to exchange. And those were the cheaper Store Brand ones!!

On the homeschooling front, I picked up some of the preschool series workbooks for Connor and he's quite excited to dive into them each day. He tends to go through them quickly and seems to absorb what he is learning, so he'll probably be to Kindergarten level shortly after he turns 4. I don't want to rush him, but I don't want him to get bored either. I'm just following his pace, which I guess is probably the best thing. We're also starting a unit on Dinosaurs. We were at The Dollar Store tonight and picked up a few plastic dinos. He wanted to find out more about them before he went to bed, so we were able to look up a just a few to satisfy his curiosity until morning. His favorites are the T-Rex (of course!) the Maiasaura, the Ankylosaurus and the little(!!) Troodon. He's still into Constellations too, and it's funny to hear him talking about Polaris and satellites and orbits and stuff.

Our Christmas tree is coming down tomorrow. I know, I still have it up. It's so pretty though, even if Lilly has decided that she must help by removing an ornament or three every day by batting it off the lower branches then trotting through the house with it in her mouth. A lot of people tear their trees down a day or two after Christmas is over, but I actually enjoy the tree more after the craziness of the holidays are over. It seems peaceful somehow. We decorated our tree with white lights and star shaped ornaments on Winter Solstice in the spirit of celebrating the return of light and lengthening of days, and welcomed the new solar year with reflections on the year that had passed and wishes for the new year to come. Tomorrow we'll put our Christmas tree in amongst the other trees behind our house to provide additional shelter for some of the little woodland critters - should we ever get some snow! Happy New Year everyone! Here's to another spin around the sun!!

Back On Line!

2006-12-27T17:18:00.001-04:00

Merry Christmas! Hapy New Year! I've missed the internet soooo much! My brother-in-law fixed our modem problems today and we are now officially back on line! Hooray!! Thanks Reg!!

So much has happened since my last post in September. In October Levi went to Alberta to work for a few months. He has work here, but nothing in the construction industry is written in stone these days. He had a chance to make some really good money out there, so after many nights of endless discussion we decided that a sacrifice of a few months would be of long term benefit to our little family. It's been hard, to say the least. There have been the usual good and bad days - days when I've felt like completely giving up and calling it quits, and days when I was just contentedly buzzing along in the new daily routine that we've created. We talk on the phone every night and text message several times throughout the day, so that helps tremendously. Still, I miss him and miss having someone to lean on when things get insane around here.

In November Terran became a teenager, Levi turned 27, and I tested my seamstress skills and made an old fashioned dress (think Little House on the Prarie!) for Madeline's play. We also said goodbye to our beloved dog Daisy. She had a tumor and was not going to be well again. We made the difficult decision to have her put down. She is misssed and fondly remembered.

December was in a class all its own. Between trying to get some Christmas shopping done, having the van break down several times, a drunk neighbour stopping by occasionally, hurtful rumors about why Levi is away and what I'm supposedly doing with my free time (??) since he's been away, missing Levi terribly, Horseback riding lessons on Monday evenings, Cadets on Tuesday and Thursday evenings, and play rehearsals on Friday evenings, Saturdays and eventually Sundays, I had a bit of a meltdown. Nothing serious, I just stalled. Ran out of gas. Ka-put. Nothing. I woke up one morning and had no desire to do anything for anyone anymore. Levi's mom and I bought a Christmas tree on the 18th. It sat, undecorated, until the 21st. I finally dragged the decorations out of the attic and the kids and I went at it, making the house feel Christmasy at least. But I felt guilty, as if I was robbing the kids of any pre-Christmas excitement. They didn't seem to notice, they had their sights set on the day Levi would return and the Big Jolly Guy would leave loot under the tree - Christmas Eve.

Levi surprised all of us by coming home a day earlier than expected for Christmas. That, for sure, was the best present I could have ever asked for! He arrived home on the 23rd and I dropped him off at the airport very early this morning. He was only here a few short days, but we squeezed every last second out of the time that we had together. Hopefully he'll be home for good by the end of March. The kids and I had a great Christmas with Levi here, and everything was finally set right again. My thoughts became clearer and things were put into perspective once again. The sacrifice he is making is far greater than what I am making, he is the one who is over three thousand kilometers away from his loved ones. I have the kids to hug when I feel lonely, the familliar surroundings of home to soothe me, and I get to witness the joys of parenthood first hand while he has to re-live them through my tellings. I am so proud of him for everything he is willing to do for our family. His strength of character and selfless love for his family are just a few of the many things I love about him, and that is what makes all this worthwhile.

How I Spent My Summer

2006-09-12T18:53:00.001-03:00

Remember me? Long lost blogger here, checking in just to let you all know that I survived the summer and all it had to offer. The modem on my computer is fried. I can't connect to the internet!! I can't read blogs! I can't write e-mails or even read the ones that get sent to me! I can't Google! So I finally stole some time away from home and I'm using the computer at my husband's shop.

Well, let's recap the summer shall we? When was the last entry? Almost two months ago?! Really? Huh.

In July, we spent a great deal of time at the beach. Practically lived there. We came home to make supper, shower, sleep and then back at it the next day. *sigh* It was rough. Terran was at Cadet Summer Training Camp for two weeks. He had a great time, made tons of cool friends and must have grown two feet in the two weeks he was gone. I missed him terribly, and was shocked to see a young man waiting for me when I went to pick him up.

August brought horse shows on the weekend, Old Home Week, a trip to Nova Scotia, Horseback Riding lessons for Madeline, and surgery. I had to have surgery on my knee cap, it was scoped and then the bones shaved and re-shaped, and torn cartilige removed. Yeah, ouch. This was almost three weeks ago now, and I still have a bit of a limp, but it gets a bit better every day. Unless someone kicks it. Or punches it. Or grabs it. That seems to happen a lot. Connor seems to be just the right height...

September brought a court date with The Ex. I served him with papers a month before the date, hoping he would attempt to settle out of court. He thought he would be a snake and have me served the Friday afternoon of a long weekend, (with our appearance being on Tuesday) making all sorts of unreasonable demands and untrue claims. I was pissed, but that's another story for another time. The end result is that we didn't have to go to court, he agreed to my terms last minute (that morning), and I have the smug pleasure of realizing that while his arguements were about him and what he wants, mine were about my daughter and her best intrest. After years of him making me feel like the dirt under his shoe, I walked away finally feeling like the Better Person.

I hope he realizes that all his lip flapping and threats about "I'll make sure that you never get anything" and "with the help of some good money" his "best lawyer there is" all pale in comparison to honesty and the best intrest of my daughter. That's it. No desire to screw him over. No selfish motive to see how far I can go, just because I can. My one and only driving force was Madeline's happiness. Karma, baby. Try to do right by the universe, and the universe will reward you. One day he will realize that money isn't what makes you a better person. He proved that one a hundred times over. On the day he realizes that, I hope his heart breaks into a million pieces at the thought of what he could have had, and what he threw away. That is something all his money won't ever be able to fix, and that is where my satisfaction lies.

Surf 'n Turf

2006-07-17T09:37:00.001-03:00

If you've ever been to Prince Edward Island in the summer, you'll understand why I haven't been writing much lately. The last week has been absolutely beautiful, sunny and 28 degrees most days. That means one thing in our house - The Beach. So we've been beach bums for the last little while, enjoying the sun, sand and the surf.

On the not so great beach days, I've been cleaning, streamlining, throwing out anything remotely useless. It's all getting turfed. I went through Madeline's room a week ago with two garbage bags and a big Rubbermaid container. I filled them all. For some reason, she holds on to junky stuff and shoves it into the drawers under her bed. Stuff like pen lids and pieces of cut up paper, markers that have dried up, candy wrappers, Barbie doll heads and broken dollar store toys. And then there's the clothes. A typical day starts with me asking: "Maddie, are you dressed?"

Silence.

"Maddie? You OK hon?"

Maddie: *exasperated sigh, then whining* "I don't have anything to wear!!"

Some days, it's just a matter of going up to her room, issuing a stern warning and putting the clothes in front of her. Other days, she's already sitting on the floor, scowling at her dresser, rejecting every article of clothing I suggest. "I don't. have. anything!" she growls. Funny. I can never get the drawers open for all the clothing shoved inside.

So one day I started pulling out her drawers and tossing things into piles. I would simply hold up something and ask "Like it?" or "Does it fit?" Any hesitation on her part meant that the item in question was turfed into a bag, either to be donated or thrown out. No going back. After getting a large garbage bag full of clothing to be donated, a large garbage bag full of junk, and a Rubbermaid tote filled with books, her room finally looks neat. Her drawers (mysteriously) are still filled with clothes that she will actually wear, and she has room in the drawers under her bed now for other things that I will likely toss out some day.

Connor's room and the TV room have also received similar treatment. The result is a much cleaner, less cluttered looking house. I like it. It's so much easier to relax on the beach when you don't have to worry about cleaning a messy house when you get back. The only thing to clean is the sand, but that's another post for another day. Today we're off to the beach!

Sleepless

2006-06-30T04:46:00.001-03:00

"Pssst!! You awake?? I can't sleep!"

It's almost 5am and I'm awake again, reading blogs and finally attempting some of my own writing. I've been awake since 2:30am. Last night (or was it yesterday morning?) it was from about 3:30am until sometime after 5:30. The night before that, it was about the same. Noticing a pattern? It's been like this for about two weeks now. One morning I was frosting Brownies at 3am. This morning, after tidying up the bathroom at 4am, I'm here on the computer...

What is Up with that? Connor is sleeping all night, the other two kids sleep like logs, and Levi hasn't even been snoring lately, even though he's been putting in some long exhausting 14 hour days. I don't drink coffee or anything with caffeine, I don't eat a lot of sugary stuff before bed (or in general for that matter), and things are going pretty good on the homefront. My laundry has been caught up every day for a week and the house is actually staying pretty clean. I'm not sleeping my afternoons away, though by mid-afternoon I'm totally wiped from going on only a couple hours sleep. It's not too hot for sleeping, my bed is as cozy as ever, so I'm at a loss for an explanation.

I've tried herbal tea. I've tried visual relaxation. I've tried going to bed early. I've tried going to bed late. I get lots of fresh air and sunshine during the day. I'm active. I haven't watched TV before bed. I've tried writing down a list of things that might be bothering me. (I could only come up with three things, and they are all minor, this insomnia being one of them.) I can fall asleep, I just can't seem to stay asleep. Please help, dear readers! I need some suggestions!! I really don't want to resort to sleeping pills! What works for you when you can't sleep?

So since I can't sleep, I'll spill to you about what has been going on lately.

*We had our Field Trip to Orwell Corner last Friday. It was such a great time! I wrote about it and Blogger ate most of it when I tried to save it, so I have to try and re-write what was lost. I hope to have it posted some time this weekend.

*The kids have officially finished school. Tuesday was their last day, and they both passed. Madeline, who has been doing well all year, is now promoted to Grade 4. Terran, who's marks were um... shall we just say not great last term? He really made a tremendous effort and pulled his marks way up. I'm so proud of him, he worked hard last term and is now promoted to Grade 8.

*Connor is Officially Potty Trained!! He's been wearing "Big Kid Underwear" (Gerber cotton training pants, no plastic thankyouverymuch!) and hasn't needed a diaper at all! I still put one on him at Nap and Bedtime, but he always wakes up dry. He is very good at telling me when he needs to use the bathroom and even on our Field Trip (with all the excitement) he let me know and we would go to the bathroom, no accidents. Whoo Hoo!!

*Madeline left Wednesday to visit with her Grandparents and Auntie, who live about an hour and a half from here. She loves visiting them. I was talking with her last night before she went to bed, and she was just getting home from Bingo. She won $25.00! (I know, it's funny as hell!) She's also been to the beach. She informs me that she wants to stay for two weeks. Her vacation is off to a great start!

*Terran is sleeping out in the tent with two of his buddies. He's having his Annual Summer Vacation Kick-Off Party. (Two of the other boys couldn't make it.) They took his TV, DVD player and XBox or whatever it is out there along with a bunch of candy. They were playing Flashlight Tag around 11:30 or so, so I guess it still counts as camping out. It's 5:25 am now, so it's safe to assume that they fell asleep out there. Last year they were all back in the house by 2 am. He's going to be leaving me for a couple of days as well, he was invited to spend a few days with his friend at Brackley Beach.

*Levi's sister and her husband are coming home from New Brunswick tonight. Connor is pretty excited about it, and we haven't seen them since April. We're not sure what our plans are for Canada Day yet, but I'm sure we'll do something fun. Usually we go to Rustico on our friend's boat, spend the day there enjoying the festivities, and watch the fireworks. I'm not sure if we'll do that this year or not, we have a few other invites too. I'll leave you with one of my favorite images from two years ago as we sailed to Rustico on Canada Day. Looking at this makes me feel peaceful...

The sun is up over the horizon now and the birds have been serenading me for an hour, so I'm going to try and catch a few winks before my kitchen is filled with hungry boys once again. 'Night!

Homeschooling

2006-06-21T22:04:00.001-03:00

Sometimes all it takes is a phone call to get the ball in motion. Like today, for instance. First though, a little history.

Anyone who knows me well knows that for the last two years I have been seriously considering the idea of Homeschooling my kids. For many different reasons. I'm pretty sure Ex will have quite a lot of negative stuff to say about Madeline being homeschooled, and I'm pretty sure he's going to try and fight me all the way on it. But with Terran and Connor, I think it'll be OK. Connor especially. Since he's only three, we can start homeschooling him without having to go through all the red tape of writing intentions to the Dept. Of Education, etc. For now. And it helps that Levi supports this decision also. So I've been talking to other homeschooling mothers, gathering information, reading, researching, and am a member on PEI Homeschool.com. I've been fairly quiet on the message boards, just "listening" and getting a feel for the homeschooling community. One of the perks of being a member of this website is that I also get E-mails of any events going on in the homeschooling community. SO... when I got one regarding a field trip to a historic village in Orwell Corner, I HAD to call and book us in.

This place is amazing. We've been there before when Levi and his family had a horse show. It has an old one room school house complete with slates and a pot bellied stove, an Old General Store, and other quaint buildings, lots of animals and beautiful gardens.
This one was taken a couple of years ago. The Old General Store is in the background. Pretty spot, isn't it?

Anyways, Friday is a "Hands On" day for homeschoolers, and "we" get a reduced group rate of $4 a person. (Normally $20. individually) The day starts with a tour of the buildings and artifacts, and then a picnic lunch. Then there's hands on activities, like Candle Making, Wool Spinning, Ice Cream making, and some stuff going on at the Blacksmith's too. It's a great history lesson, my kids get to meet some homeschooled kids, and I get to chat with some other moms. The best part is that the contact person for this outing lives not far from my house.

All this is just to say I'm excited, not just for Friday, but for this new direction our life is taking. It's like that first exhilarating dash into the ocean, the cold of the water takes you by surprise for a second, but once you're in the water is great. Refreshing even. I took the first step today by actually getting involved. I mean, this means that I'm really going ahead with my decision to homeschool my kids. Once the kids realize how much fun learning can actually be, it'll be a refreshing change for us all.

Ugly Side of Divorce

2006-06-21T14:06:00.001-03:00

Yesterday I received a letter in the mail. It was a form that I had requested from my ex-husband about three months ago. This form was necessary in order to revise the amount of child support that one must pay, since the guidelines and amounts have changed as of May 1, 2006. (They've actually gone down.) Since I have not requested any changes to the Child Support Order or Parental Agreement since they were originally drafted in 2001, it was high time to revise.

One section of the agreement states that Ex must provide me with his tax forms by May 1st of each year, and I am to do the same if he requests. (Since I am a stay-at-home mom, he knows that I don't really have an income, doesn't he? Does he really think that I make more than he, an Engineer, does?) This has been done once in 2003. Like the doormat that I am, I let it slide. No review, no adjustments. Levi thinks that I am waaayy too nice to him, considering all that he has put me through after we had separated.

Like how he didn't pay child support or paid $100 a month until the court ordered an actual amount.

Like all the times that he never picked up the kids when they were waiting for him.

Like the time he went down south with his snotty girlfriend and OOPS! Got married to her and neglected to tell the kids. (His explanation was that I was pregnant. Huh?!? WTF?? Okay, so babies sometimes just happen. But marriages in another country? Not so much.)

Or the time that he refused to pay his share of daycare expenses and I had to find alternate childcare because of "nonpayment." I was *ahem* "not really working" I was "volunteering". (This was right after 9/11 and I was working at the Red Cross. We had sent some people to New York and I was helping out in the office beyond my normal paid hours.) True, that part was unpaid, but it did result in me being offered a permanent office position. Our agreement states that he must pay a certain percentage of daycare expenses as a result of any employment, education, illness, disability, training for employment,etc.

Or the time that he called me while I was on a course in Toronto, claiming that he was going to remove Madeline from school four days from the end of the year and have her stay with his parents, because he wasn't happy with the care that she was receiving for the hour and a half after school until Levi got home. (She was being looked after by Levi's mother, but apparently he didn't believe that.) He even phoned the school...
Upon my return home a week later, he had a Social Worker show up at my door because he seriously thought that I was leaving Madeline unattended after school. The Social Worker was very satisfied that she was well cared for and left shaking his head at the lengths that Some People would go to just to cause trouble for another person.

OR the time that he wrote a letter to MY lawyer, stating that I tried to screw him out of money by telling him that he could claim our daughter (after my refusal to sign a letter saying that she lived with him 50% of the time, which she absolutely never has) and then went ahead and claimed her myself. In the same letter he cited that my "personal opinions regarding my wife and myself..." are of concern to him and he is worried about the affect that this is having on his daughter. Yeah, whatever. This one was because I had asked for his tax returns for years 2001-2003.

I could go on and on, but it won't get me any closer to my point. Ah yes, the most recent letter. He seems to (or rather The Wife seems to) get quite defensive and UGG - LEE when a request goes out for his tax information. After being promised the information on numerous occasions, I finally had it in my hands. Opening up the envelope, I noticed that a letter had been attached to the tax form.

Once again typed up by The Wife, he demands "a copy of Madeline's report card mailed to (him)... as well as a copy of the school calendar so I am aware of the dates when she is not attending classes. Also, ... I want to receive notifications from Maddie's health care professionals, ie, family physician, pediatrician, dentist, regarding any issues that they feel I should be informed of... Give these instructions in writing to the school and health care professionals... give them my work number, cellular number as well as my mailing address. If I am unavailable, please instruct them to speak with my wife..."

Ummm, what the hell is this? Let's break this down, shall we?

* Report card - When she gets it, she takes it to show him, her grandparents,and anyone else who will look at it. And forget parent teacher interviews. Hasn't been to one of these either, even with a week's notice.

*School calendar - Like he's going to take a day off and see her? He never has before. And on days when she has had a long weekend, he has known about it and she has even spent a few of these days at his house, only to be looked after by The Wife's Parents while he worked. And what about March Break? Why does he always take the two weeks before March break to go South with The Wife, but never takes one of those weeks to spend with Maddie during her break?

* Notifications from healthcare professionals - OK, these cost money. Is he gonna pay for it? I have always phoned him (his machine) when she needed to see a doctor. "Hey, it's me, I had Maddie to the Dr. today, he said she has a sinus infection. She's on antibiotics and has to go back in 10 days for a re-check." Or " She had her dental check-up today. She has a cavity. He also suggested a device for her mouth... He wants you to stop in and see him." Keep in mind that the dentist is also his dentist AND a friend from school. And the clinic is in the same mall where Ex goes to the gym. Almost daily. He hasn't been in yet.

* Instruct them to speak with my wife - Ummm... NO. FRIGGIN. WAY. Last time I checked, she wasn't Madeline's mommy. I am. And last time I checked, Ex was her other parent, not The Wife. I didn't see anything in the court order giving her decision making priveledges concerning my daughter. Levi doesn't even do that, and he lives with us. And if Ex is too busy to be a parent and can't handle a phone call regarding his daughter, then maybe he should just let me handle things. Oh! Wait! I already am!

So, yeah. There it is. Another Happy Letter from The Happy Couple because I had the nerve to ask for something I am legally entitled to. Oh! And when I finally did get to speak to him about it, when he called the day after Father's Day because I left him a message on Father's Day telling him that Maddie was upset that she tried calling several times to wish him a happy Father's Day and he wasn't answering? He said it was "nothing personal." Just something he and his lawyer "talked about one night out at the bar." Right.

It happens every time. Makes me wonder though, if I will have to put up with his bullshit every year, or every time some change needs to be made. For as long as I have my daughter living with me, I really believe that Ex is still out to make sure that I don't have anything more than what he thinks I deserve, and will constantly try to find ways to create stress in my life and try to control my happiness. This, my friends, is one of the Ugly Sides of Divorce. I think it's time for Some People to move on with their life, don't you? Almost six years later,and it's Still. Friggin'. Ugly.

Lost and Found

2006-06-12T14:16:00.001-03:00

LOST:
One snuggly little boy, blonde with blue eyes, who likes to give his mama big smooches and hugs. Could normally be found making towers out of lego, pushing little dinky cars around on the floor and clinging to his mama's leg if she tried to walk out the door.

FOUND:
One pre-teenage boy, blonde with blue eyes, who is leaving his mama soon to hang out with his Army Cadet buddies in Northern New Brunswick. He will be going to CFB Gagetown for two weeks this July for training camp. This handsome young man was discovered at a recent graduation in which he was promoted in rank from Cadet to Trooper. He closely resembles the child in above picture, but could not be the same person as this young man is clearly on his way to becoming an adult, and the last time his mother looked, he was still a baby...

How does this happen? I mean, aren't they supposed to stay little for a while so we can enjoy them? I have been sobbing my eyes out for the last couple of days trying to figure out what has happened to my small babies. They are replaced by equally pleasant, enjoyable (by times) good citizens who closely resemble the babies they once were, but still... Is it selfish of me to want my babies back, even for a little while longer? I wish I could keep them like this...

During a very moving speech from the Captain to his Corp, I found myself misting up yet again. His words still echo in my mind; "Look deep within yourselves and give it all you've got... Always remember that you can achieve anything you set your mind to. I believe in you.... You have all made me very proud this past year." I looked over at Terran again, standing so proud in his uniform, and was startled to realize that one day soon, he will be an adult. Already he is becoming responsible, independent, and making plans for himself that have absolutely nothing to do with me. He still asks me about my opinion, but he is his own person now.
His Cadet Captain told me later that I have "a great young man there".

I already know that. I welcome this new young man into our family, he really is a good, kind person. I'm just not ready to let go of my baby yet.

Small Stuff

2006-06-11T20:13:00.001-03:00

One day last week I was bustling around the kitchen making supper while I was washing the dishes from lunch (and breakfast). While I was doing this, I was also doing laundry. I tripped over a million pairs of shoes in the laundry room while attempting to carry yet another load of dirty clothes to the washing machine, and tripped over the same mountain of shoes on my way back out with the clean clothes to be folded. I cursed the shoes under my breath and announced to Whoever Might Be Listening that if I tripped over them again I was going to burn them all and the owners would have to go barefoot for the rest of the summer.

Once I got to the kitchen table and dumped the clean clothes onto it, Madeline began whining about how she didn’t “get” her homework and would I please help her. It was also around this time that a very grumpy Connor decided that her homework looked like the perfect spot to draw pictures, so he kept trying to climb onto her chair and scribble on her work.

“Mommy, I can’t do this… Con-nor! No Connor! Get down!!… Mommy! STOP Connor!! Mom! Connor is tryin’ to… NO Connor!! MOM-EEEE!”

Meanwhile, Connor is taking a tantrum: “Eeennnggghh! Maddie! I want to draw! Nnnnnn! Uhhhhh….I WAAANT UPPP!! I want to DRAAAAW Maddie!! Uhhh huhhhh! Waaahhhhh! WAAA-HAAA!!! Then he crumbled onto the floor and screamed. Very loudly.

It was here that Terran saunters into the kitchen and says to me in a dead voice; “Oh yeah, I have cadets tonight at six.” I stopped in my tracks for a moment, glanced at the clock and saw that it was 5:15. In disbelief I looked at him – sweaty and dirty from playing outside and waiting for me to tell him what to do. I didn’t disappoint. “Don’t you think you should be in the shower then instead of in here doing nothing?” I snapped.

“Whatever.” He snorted as he headed for the stairs. He mumbled something but I couldn’t hear it over the escalating tantrum happening on the floor in front of me.

By this point Madeline was shrieking about a pencil mark on her work, Connor was on the floor kicking and screeching at the top of his lungs, and the potatoes were boiling over. Rushing to the stove, I tripped over the dog, who panicked and bolted for the door. In doing so, she walked on the cat, who was sleeping on the mat in front of the sink. The cat of course hissed and swiped at the dog, who panicked some more and ran back to me, bumping into my legs and causing me to burn my hand on the steam rolling out of the pot.

Madeline was whining “He ruined my HOMEWORK!!”
Connor was screaming “ I WAAANT TO DRAAAWWW!!”
Terran was yelling from the bathroom upstairs “MOM! There’s no hot water!!”
The washer started spinning off balance, banging and rattling the entire back porch. By now, the other two cats had to get in on the action, so all four animals were flying around the kitchen like someone was chasing them with a knife. My hand was burning. Cursing, I dropped the lid, where it fell onto the stove and then onto the floor, spitting little beads of boiling water onto my bare arms and legs like miniature daggers. Then it happened.

I lost it.

“That’s IT!! EVERYBODY knock it OFF!!!” I shouted. Sucking in another breath as fast as I could, I continued my rant “I’VE HAD ENOUGH!! JUST STOP IT!! What the hell is WRONG with you guys anyways? You’re all making me CRAZY!!”

For a split second, there was silence. Or maybe that was just my brain exploding. “Nice. Way to go, dumbass” it chastised me.

The washer continued to squeal and clunk loudly in the porch. Connor sucked in his breath long enough to fuel another scream. Madeline sniffled and then started bawling. The animals looked at me as if I had grown three heads, then scampered off into the rest of the house. Terran continued to yell down for me to shut the washer off.

I wanted to disappear. I felt weak and suddenly very drained. As if on autopilot, I slowly picked up the lid off the floor, put it back on the pot, turned the burner down, then shut the washing machine off. In the midst of all the chaos, I eased myself into a chair, ignoring the world around me. “What is wrong with me? What the hell was I doing? Why? Why did I just freak out like that?”

“Because you’ll never be perfect, Amy. They don’t expect you to be.”

I realized then that I was not living my life for me and my family, but for everyone else. I was letting other people’s expectations of me as a stay-at-home-mom dictate how I was managing my home. I was swimming upstream against a strong current. Why? Why was it so important to me what other people thought, when I had just lost it in front of my kids? Did I feel that I had something to prove because I wasn’t working outside the home? Did I feel that somehow I had to conform to their expectations because otherwise I would seem lazy? Like a bad wife and mother? Somehow I became so consumed with meeting these expectations, I failed to realize what I was doing to my children. I was robbing them of their mother. And now I had hurt them because I felt inadequate.

“I’m losing it. I’m friggin’ losing it.” I muttered to Nobody In Particular. Putting my head in to my hands, I drew a shaky breath. The tears were stinging my eyes, yet I didn’t cry. My throat was raw, and my insides felt empty. I felt like the worst mother in the world. I violated something somewhere, perhaps it was my own sense of self along with my children’s feelings. This was not the mother I wanted to be. I felt like such a failure. Their little hearts are in my hands, and I crushed them. I was so careless with their feelings. How could I do that to my beautiful children? Do they know how much I love them? Are they feeling unloved right now?

“I’m sorry guys.” It came out in a whisper. “I’m really sorry guys.” I tried again. “I should never have said that.” I picked up my sobbing toddler up off the floor and kissed the top of his head as I pulled the sniffling Madeline to me for a hug. My tears spilled over. “I’m so sorry. Mommy loves you sooo much. I’m having a really bad day and I took it out on you guys and that was wrong of me. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”

I’m not sure how long we stayed like that, embracing and soothing our hurts. I felt their warm little bodies against mine, and fresh tears rolled down my cheeks. How I love them! They’re growing so fast, this is not what I want them to remember about their childhood. They need to express themselves, however much I might disagree. They need to cry. They need to giggle. They need to whine. They need to argue amongst themselves and solve their own problems. They need direction when they can’t find it on their own, but they need to try first. They need to get dirty and be smelly sometimes and they need to know that they are loved unconditionally. They need to be little. I was reckless with their feelings. I had taken them for granted, and they still loved me. I silently vowed to try harder, to do better, to be a better mom for them. To be the mom I know I was meant to be, not the mom other people think that I should be.

As picturesque as it is to think of a warm loving home where children play a board game happily together on a braided rug on the floor in front of the fireplace…smiling Mother prepares dinner in her pearls and heels, hair neatly in place…whistling Father arrives in the evening to an immaculate home and sets his briefcase (okay, lunchbox and workboots) by the door and is greeted with hugs and smiles and a hot dinner (not Hamburger Helper) on the beautifully set table where you can actually use a real cloth table cloth instead of plastic placemats because the children’s table manners are quite good… these days just don’t exist at my house most times.

I think maybe every mom has days like this. The days where we just wish we had a solution for everything, a calm demeanor and an organized home. I realize that every individual family has their own coping strategies, and I have to use the one that works best for my family. For example, my friend only does laundry on Mondays and Thursdays. She is raising six kids. Six. To me, she seems organized, relaxed, seems to have a pretty good handle on All Things Family. If you were to ask her, she would laugh as she hands out a snack to her toddler while picking up hockey gear off the floor and say that her life is one giant car pool and call it “organized chaos.” She genuinely seems to love it. She doesn’t sweat the small stuff. In retrospect, it is all small stuff, really. Laundry gets washed, the plants get watered, pets get fed, the floors get scrubbed, supper gets cooked, and the homework gets done. So what if the house isn’t spotless every day? Who really cares if there are six loads of laundry instead of two?

It’s the important stuff that will enrich my life, and it is the important stuff that humbles me. The important stuff is worth crying over, especially if you learn something from it. The important stuff is the fragility and innocence of the hearts and feelings of my children, and remembering that without them I would not be a mother at all.

Little Tidbits

2006-05-19T12:23:00.001-03:00

Potty Conversation between Connor and I

I was in the kitchen doing breakfast dishes, he was in the living room sitting on the potty and eating breakfast (!!) because I make the best oatmeal in the world and he could not bear to leave it long enough to sit and pee.

Connor (from the living room): Mama! I peed!

Me: Good job sweetie! I'm so proud of you!

Connor (rushing out to the kitchen, stark naked): Mama! Come see! I peed on my oatmeal!! Come see Mama!

Me (startled): What? You peed in your oatmeal?!? Honey... *rush to living room*

Connor (staring and pointing proudly into potty): See? I peed on my oatmeal! Are you so proud of me??

Me (looking at a little blob of oatmeal that must have fallen into the potty as he was stitting there eating/peeing): Oh! Uh... Good job for peeing in the potty sweetheart! *pick up bowl of oatmeal from little table in front of potty and inspect it* Uhh, let's finish this in the kitchen...

Laundry Conversation between Connor and I

I was hanging laundry out on the clothesline with Connor playing on the deck beside me.

Connor: It's a beautiful sunny day today Mommy!

Me: Yes, it is. It's a great day for hanging the clothes outside! * I hang up the top of my bathing suit that I had worn the day before*

Connor: Uhh.. Mommy?? Are you hanging up your boobs?

Mother's Day 2006

2006-05-14T15:50:00.001-03:00

Happy Mother's Day!

Today I fell in love with my family all over again and was reminded why I cherish this "unpaid" job of motherhood so much. I wish I had a camera so I could share all the pictures with you, but all I have are the special little moments from today that I've imprinted into my memory. Ready?

* This morning, Connor sat on the big bed and casually chatted with me about his brother and sister. He affectionately refers to them as his "kids." Today he was wondering "When are my kids going to wake up?" and informed me that "My kids are growing so much. Terran is big enough..."

* Madeline used her creativity yet again and wowed us with a wonderful fruit tray of apples, banana and melon with yogurt in the middle for dipping. Her gift to me was a beautiful handmade card and a bookmark with pressed flowers on it. The little poem on the bookmark almost made me cry, and the part of her card where she had scrawled in her best handwriting that I was her best friend actually did.

* Terran put the kettle on for me this morning to make a mug of Lemon Echinacea tea, because I have a cold, and with it a nasty sore throat. He also pleasantly surprised me with a rare display of public affection (in front of our neighbor), in which he wrapped both arms around me for the best Terran hug I've had in a long time.

* Levi created a beautiful breakfast of hemp granola, almonds, rasins, and raspberries layered on top of plain yogurt and served it to me in a large wine goblet. He (I mean the kids) also thrilled me with a gift card to one of my favorite stores and the new Oprah magazine.

* When I was in the bathroom this morning, Connor was pounding on the door yelling "Happy Mother's Day!". I opened the door to a dirty faced, beaming three year old thrusting a chubby fistfull of dandelions at me. "Happy Mother's Day Mama!" I scooped him up in my arms and hugged him, breathed in the earthy smell of him and tried not to weep.

* We went fishing this morning, and at one point, Levi and the three kids were all lined up against the bridge rail, silently looking over the edge into the water below, holding their fishing poles and waiting. It was like something in a painting. What struck me in that moment was the sheer beauty of it all, the warmth of the sun and the angle at which it shone on their faces, the sounds of the birds, and the unexpected stillness of everyone. I held my breath for fear of breaking the spell, and drank in the sight of my family, the entire time feeling as if my heart would burst with love for them.

* A little later, Levi came up from the brook with Connor under one arm, and laughed "He fell in." In an instant, Connor was in front of me with one leg soaked to the hip while Levi pulled off his little rain boot and dumped out a bunch of water. It was so insanely comical, I half expected to see a little fish flopping around on the ground.

* After a trip to Summerside in which the main purpose was to return a Max & Ruby DVD to the video store, we returned home with our bellies full of Burger King's finest and Max & Ruby still sitting on the floor of the van. This was our second attempt to return it...

* Levi and the kids were playing soccer for a bit in the back yard while I laid on a blanket on the grass and read my new Fitness magazine. Levi came over to join me, then Connor wanted a snuggle with "Mama and Daddy" so we amused ourselves by listening to the conversation/arguement between Terran and Madeline, who were at this point scaling the sides of the swing set and grabbing onto the swing ropes in an attempt to "Tarzan" their way across. Levi and I both looked at each other with confusion, chuckled, and shook our heads. Neither one of us "gets" them.

* Connor was dancing in the kitchen as I was writing this, and declared, "I'm dancin' my arse hole off!" I'm still giggling, even though this sort of talk is completely inappropriate and I have no idea where he would hear something like that.

* Levi has steak on the BBQ. And mushrooms and onions. 'Nuff said...

Perhaps the best gift this year for Mother's Day is realizing how fortunate I am to have such a wonderful family, and knowing that they love me as much as I love them.

Sweet Ride

2006-04-08T13:34:00.001-03:00

This was way too cool, because I have been lusting after this car since I first saw it!! If I win the big bucks, this baby is coming home with me!! Besides being totally hot, it's a Saturn!! I Heart Saturn!

You Should Drive a Saturn Sky

You're sleek and smooth, and you need a car to match your hot persona.
Besides, sometimes you want your top up - and sometimes you want it down.

What 2007 Car Should You Drive?

The Good Husband's Guide To...

2006-04-08T09:49:00.001-03:00

Dealing With a Wife In Pain: See Also - A light hearted attempt to poke fun at a shitty situation!!

1. Always offer to drive your wife to the hospital if she is in excruciating pain. She does not want to drive herself. Telling her that she can go in herself and that you wanted to exercise will result in a pain induced meltdown from your wife, whereupon she will cry like a baby, call you a jerk, and throw her slipper in your general direction. You will also not get laid for a long time.

2. Upon your arrival at the hospital with your wife, eating a bag of Cheetos Crunchits (knowing they are your wife's favorite) in front of your wife as she suffers mouth pain and is unable to eat any herself or tell you off, well that's just cruel. Again, the no sex rule may be justly applied to this situation.

3. After waiting for hours at the hospital emergency room, your wife may be tired. She wants to come home, pop some pills and fall asleep. Kissing her neck, nibbling her ears, and whispering that you have something that will make her feel better is adding fuel to the wrong fire. Unless it's a strong dose of pain killers, save it. She doesn't care. She's still hurting, and still pissed about the Cheetos thing.

4. After returning home and your wife discovers that her monthly friend is visiting yet again, she is now experiencing killer cramps in addition to her mouth pain. Whining about how long it's been since the Old Fella has seen any action and that you can't even get a blowjob may result in the injury and/or dismemberment of certain Old Fella.

5. When calling the wife's boss to inform him that she is unable to work her scheduled shift the next day, telling him that she is "whacked out on drugs" may result in her having to pee in a bottle upon her arrival back to work. This is a no-no, even if her job is serving alcohol to already very drunk people.

6. Taking the family for a drive is a wonderful idea, however swinging by the drive thru at Tim Horton's and devouring a Chocolate Caramel Filled donut in front of your wife who has only been able sip fluids is probably not a great idea after all. Remember that: Woman plus Period plus Chocolate = Week from Hell for HER. Woman plus Period minus Chocolate = Week from Hell for YOU.

7. Lastly, remember that no matter how much you love your wife and how great you've been about cooking the tasty meals (that she can't eat) and how wonderful you've been with the kids and the housework, your wife really does appreciate and love you. Just don't expect to get laid!

Priceless

2006-04-04T08:40:00.001-03:00

Mother Nature can be a real bitch sometimes:

Quoted cost of extraction: $80.00
Actual cost of Extraction: $150.00
Cost of Ibuprofen and medicated mouth rinse: $21.00
Cost of follow up visit: $80.00
Cost of Tylenol #3, Tea Tree Oil, Clove Oil for Pain Relief, and Natural Toothpaste (the Sodium Lauryl Sulfates in regular toothpaste irritates cankers and other mouth sores. It's actually classed as an "irritant to skin, eyes and mucous membranes," yet we have it in our soaps, shampoos and toothpastes? Go figure! ): $37.00
Cost of Gas to get Tea Tree Oil and Clove Oil(because the natural food store in Summerside closed and you have to go to Charlottetown now): $20.00
Cost of Gas to go to Hospital when things get really bad: $10.00
Cost of Antibiotics and Toradol(more pain killers): $53.00
Cost of Meal Replacement Drinks (because Spaghetti in a blender isn't really all that great unless you're 8 months old, and it still hurts way too much to eat it that way): $14.00
Total Cost of "80.00" extraction so far (I have to go back again tomorrow if I'm still not any better): $385.00
Starting my period during all this: F*@#ing PRICELESS !!

The Chair

2006-03-31T09:00:00.001-04:00

Monday morning at 9:30 I was in "The Chair".

Let me first say that this is the coziest dentist's office I've ever been in. Nothing like my old dentist's office in the city- cold white walls, sterile, contemporary, clinical. This is the country, and things here are homey. The first thing I noticed when I walked in was the smell. Not the ususal "dentist office smell", but the aroma of fresh coffee. The reception area boasted an old fireplace with a thick wood mantle, a braided rug lay on the floor, and there was a colorful quilt hanging on one of the sandy colored walls. In the corner was an old whitewashed buffet and hutch, a creeping ivy set on top with leafy green tendrils trailing down its sides. This hutch displayed simple white mugs on its shelves and the coffee pot that was responsible for the delicious aroma was happily gurgling away. How welcoming! If these things were supposed to help patients feel relaxed, it worked. The soothing colors of the walls, the tranquil beach scene framed above the mantle... Even climbing into "The Chair" wasn't that bad. A large window looked out in to the back yard, framing yet another peaceful scene. A white fence running behind a maple tree, and a colorful trio of bird houses on a platform beside the tree. How nice! This wasn't going to be so bad after all...

Five needles, 45 minutes and a whole lot of pressure later, the tooth finally emerged from its socket. IT WAS HELL!! I thought the worst part was when he scraped inside the socket after the tooth was out and hit my jaw bone. Or maybe it was when he was putting so much pressure on the tooth that I thought my jaw was going to pop out of joint on the other side. Boy, was I wrong.

Before I go any further, let my just say that I am not ususally a whimp. I have had a toenail ripped completely off, and went to work minutes later. I have managed to carry on with a cracked rib. I have given birth three times without drugs and went shopping two days later. I have dealt with wisdom tooth pain, canker sore pain, sprained ankle pain, bladder infection pain, pain of all sorts. This is by far the worst.

The day after the extraction, I called the office. Was my socket supposed to look like that? I expected it to hurt some, but should it really be hurting this much? It's getting worse, not better. Is it maybe infected? Two days after the extraction, I'm sitting in "The Chair" again. It turns out that I have something called "Dry Socket" and it's not a good thing. Something about not enough blood to form a clot, exposed bone and nerve endings. And pain. Lots of it. Two needles, more scraping, some white knuckles and sweaty palms, the dentist puts something that smells like cloves into the gaping hole in my mouth. Funky. He writes me a prescription for some Tylenol 3 with Codene, and I leave with 80 dollars less in the bank just for this visit. Monday's visit, which was supposed to cost $60 ended up costing $150 because it became "surgical" . The translation for this is "We're puttin' the screws to ya!" So far, we're up to $230 for this tooth. So far....

It's now Friday, and I'm still hurting a lot. The Tylenol isn't working. Nothing is working. And I have three HUGE cankers on the gums under my tongue, where he gave me the needles to freeze me. Those don't help anything either. I don't want to go in again (can't afford to!!), but it's looking like I might need to. When I went in on Wednesday, he told me that about 5-10 percent of patients with extractions get Dry Socket. Usually smokers. I don't smoke. Leave it to me to be one of the few... He also asked me if my jaw was hurting, because his arm was still sore two days later. Funny guy. He told me the story of how he had a guy in the very same chair the day before, who had 6 teeth pulled, and it took half an hour to get them all out. Lucky bastard. I know who it is and he'll not be feeling any pain. He's at the bar all the time, and carries a pretty good stash at all times. Note to self... call him.

I should have told Mr.Dentist that I feel like I might have stopped a brick wall with my face, that giving birth was less painful than this, that I would gladly try any sort of drug now, legal or not, if it would stop the pain I'm feeling in my mouth. I should have mentioned that I think my husband is plotting to have me "taken care of", because I haven't eaten or slept in many days because of the pain and I am making his life and everyone else's a living hell. But instead, I politely thanked him and went on my way. As best as I could anyway. It may have sounded a bit like "Thanks for screwing me over, ya sadistic bastard", you know, with the freezing and all.

Birthdays and Other Business

2006-03-23T09:35:00.001-04:00

Happy Birthday to Connor!! And to Blog! I've been really lax about blogging lately...Connor, who was doing so well this winter in terms of illnesses (hasn't been sick since September compared to every 2 weeks last winter!) came down with a particularly nasty bout of Pneumonia and had quite an ordeal with it. He was sick for his third birthday (March 17), so we really didn't have any sort of celebration at all. He did get his new car seat and some cool clothes, as well as some Hot Wheels and a foam bat and balls. So, regardless of his sickness, he still smiled and attempted to play on his birthday. He is on the road to recovery now, although he is still extremely pale, tires very easily, and still has quite a cough. He has to go back to the Dr. next Tuesday for another check-up, but he is sounding better every day.

And it's been a whole year since I started my blog! I hope to be able to post more frequently in the coming year. I realize that I will probably never be one of these incredible writers who posts every day and always has something inspiring or humorous or wise to write about, but I do want to try and post at least once a week.

What a year it's been! This time last year, the kids were just going back to school from March Break, we had our first ever (and fun!) candy- free Easter, and I was just newly engaged. Connor was constantly sick, we were figuring out the dairy/wheat/sugar allergy thing and it's relation to his constant sickness. I was going to be entering a new (grown-up) phase in my life (Thirty) and wasn't sure how I felt about it. Madeline was turning eight, Terran was turning twelve, Connor had just entered the "terrible two's", which turned out to be not so terrible. Okay, so he had his moments, but still... My parents came to visit from Newfoundland, the wedding and honeymoon happened in the blink of an eye, and life began to settle in to a new "normal", or so I thought. Terran started junior high and joined Army Cadets, Madeline began to "develop" both socially and physically, and Connor began to turn into a real little person, with demands and opinions and chattery conversation. And a sense of humor! What a funny little guy he's becoming! Our dog doesn't puke nearly as much as she did last year, but she still does it occasionally, and our new cat Toby is a fun and crazy addition to our family.

There have been quite a few rough patches along this stretch of road, and I guess that happens in life too. There have been some pretty sad times over the past year, some "holding-your-breath-and-waiting" days too. It gets hard sometimes to keep everything in perspective, but it helps to try and keep on the positive side of things. I've realized that there are a ton of people there to support and encourage when things aren't going so well, and those same people are there to help celebrate the good times too. No matter what lies ahead this year, I know that I will continue to appreciate the love and caring of the people that surround me. I will try to take the best part of every day and hold it close to me, cherish the sweetness of my kids kisses and savor their warm hugs. They are growing so fast, these babies of mine. Here's to another year of Chubby Hugs and Sticky Kisses!

Yesterday

2006-03-14T13:08:00.001-04:00

Yesterday I waited for my son to get off the bus.

He is twelve, and has been a treasure to me since the moment of his birth. He is my firstborn, and he is special. Sure, we have our moments when I am too overbearing, or he is too flip or careless with his remarks, but we have a mutual deep love for each other. We have always had a special bond, I think formed in part because of the fact that for a little while in our lives, it has just been the two of us. Terran, my special guy, my little man.

I began to think of all the things that make him who he is. He is moody, but he is twelve. He is also known to smell funky from time to time and have less than clean hair, but again, he is twelve. He likes to build things, mostly from Lego. He is an incredible artist and pays attention to detail in all his sketches. He skateboards. He loves his baby brother and his sister, and although he will not admit to either,I can see that he does. He picks on Madeline. He calls Connor his buddy. He struggles with shyness around adults and is uncomfortable in new situations. He likes shopping for groceries when it is just he and I, and we crack jokes about cheese and eat pickled eggs. He dislikes change. He is genuinely a good kid. He is my boy.

So I waited for the bus to arrive with my son.

While I waited, I thought about all the times he has kept me awake, how I wished that he would sleep for even two hours at a time when he was a baby. I thought about how squeaky his voice was when he was three, and how he knew the difference between a spur gear and a helical gear at that age. I smiled a little when I thought about how squeaky his voice was getting now, on the brink of adolescence. I thought about how easy he was to toilet train, and how he never wet the bed when he was little unless he had a fever. I thought about how suddenly he gets sick with a high fever, and for three years in a row he had strep throat on his birthday. I thought about how brave he was when he walked tearless from the neighbor's house last summer, holding his broken arm against his body as the other boys walked silently alongside him with his twisted bike. I thought about his fine blonde hair, his clear blue eyes, and how fast he was growing up, and away from me.

Then I thought of someone else. Another mother who lost her thirteen year old son last week in a tragic ATV accident. His funeral is tomorrow. I have known the boy's aunt and uncle for many years, and have met the boy, his twin brother, and his mother on a few occasions. The news of his death shook me to the core. I cannot begin to imagine the grief his family must be feeling. I wish the family peace and comfort in these dark days, and my heart breaks for his mother, who is living every mother's worst nightmare. I pray that she will find the strength to get through this horrible tragedy.

Yesterday I waited for my son to get off the bus.

When he walked into the house, I hugged him tightly and told him that I loved him. I told him how much he means to me as I held him close to me and kissed the top of his blonde head. And then I cried. I cried for myself, thankful that I had my son to hug me back, and I cried for the all the mothers who would trade their own lives for one more chance to do just that.

Yeah, So...Anyways...

2006-02-15T09:41:00.001-04:00

This is Connor's new saying of late. He could be happily playing with his Hot Wheels on the floor, and then have one say to the other, sighing, "Yeah, so...anyways.." Where does he get this from???? I personally find it quite funny, a little odd maybe, but it tickles my funny bone that a two year old can sound so much like, well... my mother!

Speaking of my bones and Connor, he is one rough kid to play with. There should be a warning stuck to his forehead somewhere... "Warning! Playing with this child can result in personal injury that may require medical attention...Do not attempt unless you are a trained professional..." Professional what, I'm not sure, but it sounded good at the time. Stunt double, maybe? At least that's what the doctor told me when he confirmed that my lovable bundle of "Ballamtimes Day" smoochy boy had indeed cracked my rib. Really. He cracked it!! It hurts a bit, but I'm OK. Apparently I had received this injury while playing on the floor with my sweet boy. He likes to jump on me and give me kisses and sometimes just roll over me (read steamroll) just for the sake of tumbling. He sometimes gets carried away and jumps knees first, and this particular time he did just that. I knew when he landed knees first on my unsuspecting side that he had done a bit of damage. My first clue was the shot of pain that went searing up my back and across my front. The second clue was that I couldn't breathe for a minute. You know that feeling you get when the wind gets knocked out of you by a punch in the gut or something? Like that, only with a two year old still gleefully jumping on me and shreiking "Mama! Play with me!" I eventually got up and shook it off, but continued to feel supersensitive for a few days before making the trip to the hospital. It will mend on it's own, but it's going to be a little sore for a bit. I've been Ok so far with Advil once in a while, so I'm gonna stick with that.

As it turns out, Connor is also apparently a danger to himself too. This morning he gave himself what looks like the beginnings of a black eye. I was in the bathroom at the time, so I'm not entirely sure what had happened, but he tells me that his pajamas hurt his eye. Hmmm.... not so sure about that one, but Yeah, So...Anyways...

Someone's Watching Over Me

2006-02-05T19:46:00.001-04:00

I decided to write this post over the course of a couple of days, mainly because I wanted to see how I still felt the next morning about things.

Things around here have been tough, as many of you are aware. Three weeks ago we went to the doctor, this time for Levi, and received a diagnosis of depression. It could be a seasonal thing, it might not be. All I know is that for months, my husband has been slowly replaced by someone of a different nature. I'm hoping that with help from his medication and love and support from us, he will reappear as the man I fell in love with. I realize that this is nobodys fault, certainly not his, and that depression is still one of those things that a lot of people don't really like to talk about because of the stigma still attatched to it. Truth is, depression is another one of those things like diabetes or heart disease, you find out you have it and treat it. Anybody can end up with it. So I guess I'm writing about it because I need an outlet. The last few days have been extremely emotional for me.

I so desprately miss my husband. Once in a while I still see bits of the old Levi, but it's not very often. I feel like he's lost and that I'm waiting, holding my breath for him to come in through the door so we can pick up our life again. In the meantime, I try to maintain some sort of relationship with the person who is here, but it's hard for me. I mean, he still looks like Levi, and tells me that he loves me, but he's not the same person. I find it difficult carrying everything by myself, trying to always be "up" around him, and having nobody to discuss my problems with. It must be so hard for him too, and I'm sure he is missing our old relationship. I feel so sad about this, for him, for me, for all of us.

I am breaking off a friendship with a girl who is a nice person when she's sober, but she's also a girl who can't control her liquor. She likes her drinks on the weekend, and when we're anywhere (including my wedding) she can turn ugly in a hurry with a few drinks in her. Suddenly she thinks everyone is talking about her, looking at her weird, or wanting to fight with her. So she gives dirty looks to complete strangers who might just be looking at her, wondering who she is because she's a new face, or because she's a cute little blonde. It's a great way to offend people without even opening your mouth, or an even better way to get your face beat in. Especially when you're on someone else's turf and acting like that. I'm really sick of having people come up to me and ask what my friends problem is. Aside from the fact that it reflects badly on me because I brought her there in the first place, it scares the shit out of me. When a gang of six girls came up to my van wanting to "talk" before we left, I had to cover her ass once again, and spent a lot of time smoothing ruffled feathers. I do not fight. I have never been in a fight, and really think it's stupid. But my friend will fight, and she will say (and did say) as much. So I told her to shut up, and once again talked to these girls who she had offended, apologizing for her behavior, etc. I think if it wasn't for the fact that they knew who I was, and that they liked me the few times they had seen me before, it would've been an ugly scene. So that's enough of that bullshit for me. I don't need that to contaminate my life, so I'm cutting my losses and severing the friendship. She's a nice person when she's sober though, and I'm going to miss that. I just wanted to hear the band that was playing...

My sister, who is OK, had an accident yesterday with her truck. The roads have been hell lately, with all the freezing and thawing and refreezing. I still don't know exactly what happened, but she went off the road on her way to work, rolled her truck, and it's looking like it's a write off. Thank God she was wearing her seat belt. I am so relieved that she is unharmed. All this makes me realize, once again, how easy it is to take people for granted, especially the people closest to you.

In addition to all this, Levi gets laid off from work today, which is going to be a very hard thing for us emotionally and financially. I know that it will all work out, it always does, but I need to get from here to there with my family intact. There are days that I feel like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, and that I am standing in the dark, waiting, waiting, waiting. This would be easier if the old Levi was here. I miss him so much.

I was listening to Hilary Duff, and was touched by the words to one of her songs. It's from her movie "Raise Your Voice". It's about missing the person you love, having faith in yourself, and no matter how hard things seem sometimes, having the strength to get through it.

"Someone's Watching Over Me"
-Hilary Duff

"Found myself today... oh, I found myself and ran away.
Something pulled me back, voice of reason I forgot I had.
All I know is you're not here to say what you always used to say.
But it's written in the sky tonight.

So I won't give up, no I won't break down.
Sooner than it seems life turns around.
And I will be strong, even if it all goes wrong,
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me.

I've seen that ray of light, and its shining on my destiny,
Shining all the time, and I won't be afraid to follow everywhere its taking me.
All I know is yesterday is gone, and right now I belong
To this moment, to my dreams.

So I won't give up, no I won't break down.
Sooner than it seems life turns around.
And I will be strong, even if it all goes wrong,
When I'm standing in the dark I'll still believe
Someone's watching over me.

It doesn't matter what people say, and it doesn't matter how long it takes,
Believe in yourself and you'll fly high
It only matters how true you are,
Be true to yourself and follow your heart..."

I'm a BAR-bie Girl

2006-01-30T14:15:00.001-04:00

Yep. Looks like ya can get by on charm and good looks. I got hired for a job based on nothing but my amazing tanned toned bod, long blonde hair, and killer smile... LOL! (Oh, if only...!)

Where? The local bar, of course! I had my first night on Saturday and surprised myself by actually doing OK. Aside from pouring my dad drinks (2 fingers of rum, 3 fingers of coke!) when I was little, I've never done any bartending before, so I wasn't sure what to expect. Turns out that it was easy to get the hang of and fun! I get to see some friends, listen to great music, and get paid! (And I made tips!! Sweet!) The gang that works there is awesome, and the manager is a really nice guy. It's just part time - to bring in a little extra $$ and get me out of the house, and it's only a few minutes from home in a small local club, so it works for us. (And yes, Levi is totally OK with this...!) A lot of people would cringe at working in a bar, but I love the positive energy that flows in a place like that. I think we may be on to something here, girls!

Eat yer heart out, Barbie!

Silence

2006-01-18T15:53:00.001-04:00

The wind was howling outside in the cold night as icy pellets of rain assaulted the window panes. In the warmth of the living room, the logs crackled and sizzled in the fireplace, while the glow of the flames danced throughout the darkness of the room. The glasses of wine had been set on the table alongside some chocolates, and music was playing softly in the other room. We had been missing each other and were longing for some time alone to reconnect after the recent stressful weeks. Things had been strained between us lately, and both of us were hoping that this session of quiet togetherness would help to rejuvenate our spirits.

Motioning for me to stretch out on the sofa, he took my foot in his hands and proceeded with a massage. The weight of my body melted in to the sofa as the warmth of his hands caressed my toes and spread throughout my exhausted body. Tears welled up in my eyes and suddenly I was overwhelmed with sadness, happiness, relief, joy. Oh, how I had missed this!! We would be ok, we've just been through a rough time, I reasoned with myself, swallowing the tears.

With the wall of tension soothed away, we proceeded to sip our drinks, pausing to gaze at the fire or nibble away at the chocolates. Sitting silently beside each other, we somehow managed to find our way back to the couple we were weeks ago. I'm not quite sure where we had gone to, or how we had even got there. Somehow, we knew the other was there the entire time, each one waiting for the other to emerge from under our own dark clouds.

Silence really is golden. It helps us express what words cannot. It helps us to hear the sounds of others we miss when we are too absorbed in our own worries. Silence has shouted to me when I needed to be still and listen to my life, or to pay attention and reach out to others. And silence whispers of encouragement, just when it's needed most.

Christmas Turkey

2005-12-23T08:24:00.001-04:00

Conversation overheard this morning between Connor (just waking up) and his Teddy Bear and Sheep...

Connor (yawning and stretching) : "Nnnnnn!... *sigh* Hmm... I want a drink."

Animals: silence

Connor: "I want a DRINK!"

Animals: more silence

Connor: "I said, I want a DRINK!"

toot!

Silence

Connor: "You hear dat? I said I want a drink an' I farted!"

Animals: dead silence, apparently not appreciating the gesture...

Me in my bed: giggling hysterically but silently with the blankets over my mouth.

Connor (singing): "I farted, I farted! I farrr-ted! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! (this laugh is done in his "tough guy"/gruff voice)

Me: tears streaming , still silently giggling like a fool

Connor: "Have a very Merry Christmas am-a-mals!!"

*I hope my present is better than theirs!!

The Love of My Life

2005-12-21T19:19:00.001-04:00

My gorgeous new husband on our wedding day...

2005-12-21T19:02:00.000-04:00

All the girls...I love how she did this one in Sepia. Sarah, Kayla, me, Sheila and Madeline get sassy. (sort of!)

2005-12-21T19:00:00.001-04:00

Levi looking very fine...

2005-12-21T18:58:00.001-04:00

My handsome hubby and I.

2005-12-21T15:39:00.000-04:00

Me on our Wedding Day!!

We finally got our Wedding Photos!! We were hoping to get them earlier so we could send a few as Christmas gifts, but things got delayed with the photographer. The wait was well worth it though, they turned out beautifully. I love how she used black and white and sepia with the color pictures. The album looks amazing, I wish you all could see it. It's like a work of art...

Bah, Humbug!!

2005-12-16T08:28:00.001-04:00

OOOH! A new post!!!

Just in case you've been wondering, I haven't dropped off the face of the earth. Our internet has totally sucked, and I've actually been a very busy girl...
I wish I could say that I was busy because I was baking tons of Christmas goodies for my children, and happily assembling gingerbread houses while Bing Crosby croons holiday carols softly in the background.
I even wish I could say that I was busy decorating my home with fragrant boughs of evergreen and garlands made from dried cranberries and citrus slices.
But it would all be untrue.
I still don't even have a Christmas tree. Christmas Eve is a week from today. I have some shopping done, but I'm not finished. Nothing is wrapped, and I haven't sent one Holiday card. The oven was turned on once to heat garlic fingers when everyone was too tired and hungry to even really care what we had for supper. The last thing I made with my own two hands was Play-Dough, and that was just to stop the kids from fighting over the hard crusty ball of petrified Play-Doh that someone found under the sofa. I think it was a hundred years old. Sad times, indeed.

In actual fact, I have been spending about 70% of my time in the crapper, doubled over in pain and sounding like I spent the previous night pounding back the shots of Rhum. Not fun. I eat, it comes out. One helluva way to lose weight. Some days are better than others, but still.
The other 30% of my time has been spent visiting the Dr. trying to figure out what has been going on with my body, struggling with my exhaustion from it all, and trying to be a wife and mother. My calendar now looks like a busy executive's day book, with appointments scribbled here and there, and times and dates are written on the kids' artwork that hangs on the fridge.
So far we (by we I mean the Dr.) think it could be Crohn's Disease or Colitis. We've ruled out infection or a virus, and food poisoning. As a little treat to myself after Christmas, I am scheduled for a scope on the 28th of Dec. Nothing like a little inspection of the lower intestines and bowel to ring in the New Year, right? Wait, it gets better. Dad , if you're reading this, you might want to stop here, things get a little "girly". You too Levi. The next little bit contains way too much information, but that's never stopped me before...
I've also been having period problems. Big time. Like every two weeks and very heavy. And then when that's not happening, I also get treated to nasty little bouts of Candida. (yeast infections) So, I also have appointments scheduled with the specialist for that. What really scares me is that the "H" word has ben mentioned a few times. Even once is too much. I mean, I know I'm not planning to have any more kids, but seriously. I'm only 30!
Did anyone check the warranty on my uterus or colon?!?
As a result, I'm finding it really hard to get into the Christmas mood, and I feel badly for my family. Normally I have the tree up well before the middle of the month, and the gifts are usually under the tree, wrapped and ready to be ripped into. Cookies are often made, and things are generally festive. Levi has been a real trooper through all this, and is keeping the house well stocked with toilet paper for me. He put up the outside lights on Saturday. The kids are really excited for Santa to come, and I don't want to take away from that. We just had two storm days and that helped a bit, now that is is actually starting to look like Christmas. Madeline, Connor and I wrote letters to Santa yesterday, and all of us did Christmas anagrams and Christmas word searches and crossword puzzles. So that also helped.
Still, a part of me just wants to say "Bah, Humbug!" about the whole thing, and put Christmas off until I feel better.

New Addition! (Fur baby)

2005-11-04T21:03:00.001-04:00

We have a new addition to our family!

Today I found a tiny kitten, apparently abandoned along the road. He's probably about 6 weeks old, seems to be in good health, and is quite affectionate. We're all smitten with him, and even Daisy isn't too offended by his presence. He's a fluffy orange/caramel stripey little guy with the sweetest little face, and we're looking for name suggestions. Got any good ones?

Life is Beautiful

2005-10-12T10:31:00.001-03:00

Our friend has pulled through. Her recovery has begun, and though it will be difficult for her, we are hoping that with the proper help and guidance, love and support, she will be able to make herself whole again. All of us are thrilled that she is still with us.

The sun is shining today for the first time in many days. Today I will take Connor outside. We will smell the crisp fall air, hear the crunch of the leaves under our feet, and watch the geese fly overhead. We might discuss where they are going, these honking noisy creatures. We will collect brightly colored leaves. We will likely get sniffly noses and chilly hands, and we will laugh. I will drink in the sight of him playing in the leaves, imprinting it into my memory. I will be reminded once again that life is all about making memories and enjoying the innocence of childhood, whatever your age may be.

Giving Thanks

2005-10-10T09:55:00.001-03:00

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

I'm finally married, honeymooned, and ready to start life as normal again. The wedding was great, the honeymoon was amazing (I've never eaten so much incredible food in my life!!) and I was able to visit with my best friend from high school and her new family while we were in Ontario. She and her husband have a 20 month old son, Cael, who is super cute and really smart. They also have a new addition, Iain, who was a month old on the day that we were visiting. They are such a beautiful family!! I am thankful for friends like Tanya, who even though she must have been exhausted with her newborn and busy toddler, opened her home to us and made us feel so welcome.

I am thankful for my children as well. They were missed while we were away, but I think the break was a great thing for us. I returned home feeling refreshed and ready to be a better parent than what I have been in the last distracting months leading up to the wedding. I've always felt that they are a huge part of who I am, and they help shape my personality. With a week of no parenting responsibilities, I was worried that I was a different person when childless. It seemed that for the first couple of days, I really had nothing to talk about, and actually felt lost and out of place in my own life. I realized that I have slowly been letting my own individuality slip away, and have been letting the role of mother completely take over. I was desperately in need of some rebalancing in that area...it's OK to love your kids so much it hurts, but you also have to take a bit of time to enjoy things completely unrelated to your kids also, and I haven't been doing that. I'm going to work on that one in the coming months.

Perhaps the things I am most thankful for are the gifts of life and love. Life certainly can have its hurdles, and love doesn't always behave like we wish it would. It is up to us to take what we do have, and create the kind of life we want for ourselves. We are the only ones responsible for the kind of life that we choose to live. Sometimes, the decisions that we make aren't always the right ones, but may seem like the right ones at the time.

This weekend, a very close family friend chose to give up on life. She is, at the time of writing this, in a coma and still clinging to life with the help of a ventilator. I don't pretend to understand the despair and overwhelming emotions she must have been feeling when resorting to such measures, nor am I naive enough to think that everything will be OK for her if she makes it through. Those feelings and decisions are hers and belong only to her.

What I do know is that she is loved, and life is waiting for her to find her way back.

Wedding Daze

2005-09-22T08:14:00.001-03:00

I am such a bad blogger. No posts for over a month. Were you wondering if I would ever write again? I was.

This whole "wedding thing" is really taking it's toll on my nerves, my ever shrinking bank account, and ironically, my relationship with Levi. Don't get me wrong, things are still as great and solid between us as they ever were. We are still madly in love with one another. It's strange, though, how trudging through all this mucky business of getting hitched seems to have made us "miss" one another. Does any of that make sense?

Normally, we would snuggle up on the sofa and watch TV after the kids were tucked into bed. Now we sit at the kitchen table and try to figure out where all the money for the DJ, the harpist, the minister, etc. is going to come from. We know that on top of all this, we still need to pay our usual bills, and have money set aside for other things like medicine. (yep, its that time again, the kids are back in school and dragging home every viral infection they can get on their hands... but that's another post)

I guess it's not even really about the money. I just miss the normality that used to go on around here. People now call all day and ask me things. Yellow roses with the copper ones? Wine at the head table? Do you want spruce or pine trees? Are the kids going to be here or there? Can we get Terran in again, we think we have his tux the right length now. Do you want the full name or just the initials engraved on these? How is everyone getting to the ceremony, and in what vehicle? Why is the van making that noise? Are you leaking power steering fluid? Can you find out how much to get that fixed? Did Connor say his ear was hurting? His fever was what? Did you sleep at all last night? Did you eat today? Can you sign my homework? What's for supper? Will you be paying with credit card or cash? AAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!

So. There it is. A two second snippet of my day. I hate to seem ungrateful. I feel so fortunate to be able to even have choices. I am just tired of making all of the decisions. I miss when the hardest decision was "Do I really want to eat before going to bed or no?" It will soon be over, this insanity.

Only two more sleeps!

The Story of Us

2005-08-20T09:35:00.001-03:00

Only 35 sleeps left until our Wedding Day!!

No, everything is not ready yet.
Yes, I am getting a little panicky.

Sound about normal to you? Thought so.

So a bunch of you have been asking, and some of you already know the story of how Levi and I started out. There's a few different takes on the whole story, like how we met, or how we first knew we were interested in each other, but there was that one special moment when I knew that he was someone I had to keep in my life. What was it, you ask? The moment he kissed me on the forehead.

Before all that happened, Levi was someone I was just starting to get to know. The very first time I met him, I was actually on a date with his roommate. We had maybe a total of two dates, and I felt that was probably two too many. He was nice enough, we just never really had much in common. So that's how I was first introduced to Levi. Through a mutual friend.

A few months later, I walked into a classroom at Holland College to teach a First Aid course. Levi was sitting in the front row. Recognizing him from before, and feeling guilty about not returning his roommates phone calls, I felt a little awkward, but his easy going nature put me at ease, and I was able to get on with my day. Over the next three days that I was teaching there, we joked around, made light conversation, and I decided that I really liked him as a person. I had no idea if he had a girlfriend or not, but I had hoped that I would see him the next time I went out with the girls.

As it turns out, I did see him there. A few times. We would always say Hi to one another, he would usually buy me a drink, and we would dance for a bit. One weekend, my cousin Jason came over to PEI to visit, and I took him out to show him the local "wildlife" in Charlottetown. I saw Levi again, introduced the two, and then we met up with my neighbor. Everyone ended up coming back to my place for a bite to eat. Eventually, Levi and I were the only two left awake, out on the deck talking until about four in the morning and trying to do ollies on the skateboard. (I still do not know what an ollie is) I think we "liked" each other at this point, but neither one of had made it known to the other. That was the weekend before September 11 the happened.

After that, we didn't see each other so much. I was extremely busy at the Red Cross and with my two kids. The next time I saw him, it was October. My friend had decided to take me out, thinking I needed a break from everything. I had a great time that night, dancing, laughing and having fun. Until I had the wine. Levi was with Melanie, Dawn and I, and we were walking to Dawn's house to call a cab. I was wearing my boots with the four inch heel, and sort of walked on the edge of the sidewalk. I snapped my ankle and poor Levi ended up carrying me on his back up to the corner store. By this time, the wine was doing its work, and the pain was excruciating. I felt ill. Very, very ill. He called a cab and bought me a bag of ice and to put on my ankle while Melanie held my hair off my face in the bathroom.

Yeah, I know, not exactly at my best.
I got home, only having to get the cabbie to pull over once. Levi and Melanie pulled the boots off me, and then he carried me up to my bed while Mel got a bucket for me to puke in. I was in so much pain, and apparently allergic to the wine. He tucked me in, arranged the ice under my hugely swollen ankle, brushed the hair from my face and gently kissed me on the forehead before he went home.

I had a broken ankle and needed crutches for two weeks. During this time, I still didn't know Levi's last name, but I knew where I could find him. I called the College and left a message for him to call me. I needed to thank him for his kindness. Nobody has ever been so unselfishly kind to me like that. I didn't hear from him.

Weeks later, I saw him again. He told me that he was on OJT for school, and hasn't been to the school in two weeks. He invited me to his new place for steak and salad, I got spaghetti and fell in like. The following week, we had our first "real" date, lunch at Pat & Willy's. The rest, as they say, is history.

Some say he had a crush on the teacher. Some say I "fell" for him. I say He kissed me on the forehead.

Pilates for Cows ??

2005-08-17T22:19:00.001-03:00

This week, I've had the opportunity to spend a few hours a day to myself. I was asked to provide the First Aid coverage at Old Home Week. Aside from the wicked cool rides that is associated with Old Home Week (at least at my house), it is also famous for the Gold Cup and Saucer Race, where the winnings are worth about 50 grand. It is also where agriculture buffs from all over come to exhibit their cows and horses, sheep and other animals, in hopes of winning first prize at the Provincial Exhibition.

On Saturday, I was sitting in the stands watching about 20 or so people walk their year old Holstein cows around the ring. The competitors are dressed all in white, with a 3 inch cardboard band around their head with their entry number written on it. There is the occasional bellow of a young cow, voicing their indignity at being led around in circles by the face. Patiently the competitors lead their cows around the ring, despite the objections.

Cows don't walk very fast. In fact, they sort of just step, stop, step, step, stop. Some call this "plodding". I call it how we're probably going to be walking down the aisle at my wedding. Anyhow, once the competitors are told to stand still, a strange thing begins to happen.

The cows do Pilates.

OK, not really, but what happens once the cows stop moving is really quite interesting. Apparently, a huge emphasis is put on the spinal alignment , body carriage, and head position of the cow. These contestants do to their cows what I would do to my class participants.
A touch here to lift the ribs and straighten the spine. A gentle nudge there to move the tailbone to a neutral position. Lengthen from head to tailbone, shoulders sliding back and down, chest open.

All of this amazed me. I've never seen cows being judged before. I thought perhaps the judges would look at obvious things like color, glossy coat, size, etc. You know, regular stuff. Once I caught on to how these cows were being judged, I began to look at them differently. #63 was a bit "slouchy". #60 wasn't too bad. #53 was long and straight through the back and open through the chest. Beautiful. As it turns out, #53 won first place. I wonder of this judge ever took a Pilates class? Or taught one. I bet he'd be good.

All of this made me think that good posture can make all the difference. I mean, if a cow can be seen as beautiful, even graceful, then why are we so hard on ourselves?? It's not our size, but rather how we carry ourselves that determines how others see us and "judge" us. So whether you are an actual barnyard cow, or sometimes just feel like one... stand tall. Head up, shoulders back and down, open through the chest. You are beautiful too.

Wedding Bells are Ringing!

2005-08-11T19:02:00.001-03:00

Is that the not so far off sound of Wedding Bells ringing in my ears? Oh, wait - nope, it's just me! My ears are ringing, but it's only because of my (as my doctor put it) horribly infected ears. I actually lost the hearing in my right ear for almost two weeks!! With a little medicine and some TLC, I was able to get my hearing back just in time to go see Blue Rodeo in concert on Sunday night!! What a great show... my good friend Sarah and I went, and she is a HUGE fan. The seats were awesome, I really didn't think that we were going to be as close to the stage as we were. Happy Birthday Sarah!
Okay, for the Wedding Update... well, I'm still stressing out, although not as bad. My mom has Madeline's flowergirl dress made, (she made it out of her own wedding dress! How special is that!? ) and I finally found the perfect fabric for the bridesmaids' dresses in the same shade as the tux vests!!! HOORAY!! It had to be ordered from Montreal, but it should be here by the middle of next week. I cut out the material for my dress on Monday, so hopefully soon Mom will be sticking me with pins while she tries to fit the lace somehow onto the satin. Stuff keeps coming up though! I have to work all next week (First Aid coverage at Old Home Week... need a Band-Aid? Come see me!), and for the first time, it's actually a paid gig this time. Which is good, because money isn't exactly something I have a lot of. Or any of , for that matter...But back to the wedding...
So I checked my comments today and my old roommate Tracey (who is a chef) offered to make the cake!! Hello !?! How could I forget that she was a chef? The thought never entered into my mind that I knew someone who might be able to help us out!! So I'm going to call her tonight and hash out the details. She makes the most amazing stuff!!! Her Parmesan Chicken is to die for!!! (It's no wonder I had a hard time keeping the pounds off when I lived with her!! She can take hot dogs and make them into a gourmet meal!!) "Hello, my name is Amy, and I'm a food-a-holic." As if it wasn't obvious.
Levi and I also went out on Monday night and bought our wedding rings. They are so beautiful! They had to be sent off to be sized, we're both a half size smaller than what they had at the store. So the rings should be here in about 2 weeks. I can't wait!!
I've been getting a great response for my classes since my ad ran in The Buzz. In the last week, I've had three registrations for the aquafitness classes and an inquiry about the postnatal pilates. Whoo-hoo! The fall session starts the week of August 29. I am so excited!!!
That's all I have time to write for now, we have some major cleaning to do... my Dad and step-mom are coming over this weekend. I want the place to look like, well, like a hurricane didn't just rip through here.

My Summer Vacation

2005-07-28T15:13:00.001-03:00

I can't believe it's been a month since my last post!! What exactly have I been up to then, instead of writing?

Well, there's been a trip to Fredericton. There's been a cast on Terran's arm. There's been wedding invitations printed and delivered. A bunch of brochures for my classes were created and printed. An ad for the local Arts & Entertainment magazine also designed and printed. We've been dealing with high humidity, low energy, heat waves, cool showers, beach days, rain days, outdoor dining, bored kids, a temperamental BBQ, the building of a swing set, un-bored kids (yay!), bridal showers (not mine), more beach days, sand in the car, sand in the tub, sandwiches, (almond butter & jam!), picnics in the back yard, dog hair in the house, thunder storms, the dog upstairs ( a no-no), and a bunch of other stuff. Mainly wedding stuff.

So, it's eight weeks until the wedding. This is the part where I should be saying: "Everything is falling into place." "Um, well, it's getting there" is more likely to describe things. The invites to the wedding are out, the responses are starting to come in, and the invites to the dance will go out next week I think. The tuxes have been ordered, and Levi and Terran measured. I'm jealous now, because he's basically done. He just has to go in and try it on when it comes in and that's it. Done.

Me on the other hand, I'm a wreck. The dresses haven't even been started yet. (Not even my wedding dress!!) I can't find the right fabric for the bridesmaids dresses in the right color. Everything I look at seems too dark or too light. I haven't made any arrangements yet for a cake or for flowers. I have no idea if and when there is going to be a bridal shower, (I'm not a huge fan of surprises... I like to be prepared...) We still haven't picked out where we want to go for our honeymoon, who's going to watch the kids, or even where we are going to spend our wedding night.
I guess weddings have been planned in shorter time than this, but I'm really starting to stress over this. I mean, I'm having nightmares of me sitting at a sewing machine the night before the wedding trying to make a wedding dress! The other night, I dreamed that the cost of the tux rentals was going to be around two thousand dollars!!! I awoke in a cold sweat from that one...

As much as I'm trying really hard to enjoy this time, I will be so glad when this whole "wedding thing" is all over. Some women go totally nuts to have the "perfect wedding" and put so much emphasis on the whole "it's my day" crap. I just want to be married to the greatest guy in the world. Last night, he came home from his ball game with a beautiful bunch of wild flowers that he had picked for me. No special reason, he just thought I'd like them. Like I said, the greatest guy in the world...

Chasing Sanity

2005-06-29T23:25:00.001-03:00

Summer vacation is upon us! No more lunches to pack, no more groggy searches for a clean matching pair of socks, no more frantic sprints to the bus. Yesterday was the last day of the school year, and perhaps the last day of my sanity as we all know it.

It's not that I mind having my children home with me all day. I don't. Normally. This year though, things are different. The end of the school year corresponded perfectly with the arrival of my nasty head cold, a hefty dose of PMS thrown in for good measure, and a very determined two year old. Determined to do what you may ask? Well, just about anything except sleep. Climb the dresser? No problem. Scale the bookshelf? Been there. Let's see what happens when we mix half a bottle of BBQ sauce with the margarine. Oh look, Mommy gets funny lines in her forehead...

Normally I would admire Connor's little toddler self, and watch with fascination as he waddles - skips -runs like a chubby little duckling to his next wonderful discovery. Sometimes I catch myself watching him and smiling, just over the very fact of him. Normally I would sit and chat with Terran, mindlessly wondering about stuff and just soaking in life as it happens around us. Being around him lately reminds me of the very essence of those pre-teenage years, and seeing him on the threshold of it all has me scared and excited for him all at the same time. Kind of like a ride on the Zipper at Old Home Week. Normally I would patiently listen to Madeline's latest best friend drama, the latest story she's written, or her latest complaint about not having enough shoes. I know that one day she will be a very successful woman- with lots of shoes. Her feisty personality, stunning beauty and clever mind reminds me of a beautiful wild horse thundering along the shores of Sable Island. To watch such a spirited creature is breathtaking and intimidating all at once.

After the kids were in bed tonight I decided to search for any sanity that I might have left. I first thought that I had found it in the bottom of a Tostitos bag and sour cream container. Now I discover that it was here all along. Sometimes sanity comes in the form of a screen, a keyboard, and sharing the thoughts of the heart.

Father's Day

2005-06-19T21:33:00.002-03:00

Happy Father's Day!

The first man I ever loved was my father. To a little girl, a Daddy is a Hero - someone brave who checks under the bed for the Boogey Man, someone strong enough to toss you into the air, someone who comforts and protects you when the thunder rolls overhead. My Dad was all those things and more. I was in awe of him, he was my Hero.

In my lifetime of thirty years, I have come to realize that my Dad is what all good fathers are. Beautifully human. He makes mistakes, but he is humble enough to admit when he's wrong. He loves unconditionally, even when he's been disappointed. He guides with his wisdom, but gives his children the space to make their own decisions. He feels joy when we are happy, his heart aches when we hurt, and his soul is troubled when we don't call.

It's only natural that I would love and choose to share my life with a man just as great. Levi is an amazing father. His generous spirit humbles me. I am in awe of his selfless attitude and his capacity to love all of my children as his own. I respect him for his motivation and uncomplaining work ethic. He is driven not by a paycheck, but by love for his family.

Everything he does, he does for us, without complaint. He helps with Math homework. He changes diapers. He mows the lawn and fixes plugged toilets. He reads stories. He does dishes. He checks closets for the Boogey Man. He happily embraces his role as a father.

My children are lucky. I am lucky. We love and are loved by incredible men who pride themselves not on what they are, but on who they are.
Fathers. Everyday heros. Beautifully human.

The Mountain Man

2005-06-06T07:56:00.001-03:00

A few days ago, Levi and I were sitting at the table with Connor eating oatmeal. For lunch. That's right, lunch. Levi and I had done the "what do you want to eat, I'm not really hungry, but we should eat something," exchange, and came up with no options that were especially appealing. We decided that we would ask the wise two year old for his advice, and we were answered with a gleeful "Oatmeal!!" Levi and I looked at each other and shrugged. "Why not? As long as he'll eat it..." our glances said to one another.

Five minutes later we were seated at the table, the mid-day sun pouring in through the windows as we sat eating our lunch. Natural oatmeal with organic raisins in it, mixed with organic Rice Milk and sweetened just a bit by some pure Maple Syrup. Connor's choice for a great lunch. As we watched him happily digging in, I giggled and said, "At least it's healthy!" Levi grinned and asked, "How many kids would ask for oatmeal for lunch? I can see asking for Froot Loops... Has he ever had Froot Loops?" My spoon stopped in mid air and my mouth hung open. "No, " I said slowly, realizing he's never even seen a Froot Loop, "he never has."

Then I began to wonder about the whole "children are products of their environment" theory. Do healthy parents have healthy kids? By following sound nutrition principles, my children will hopefully be able to make healthy food choices for themselves. At the very least, they'll know what they should be eating. But where did all my thoughts on health and nutrition come from? Why is the "natural this and organic that" way of eating not as strange and foreign to me as it is to many other people? As I thought about the way I was raised, the pieces began to come together.

In addition to my mom making sure we ate all our veggies, everything we had on our plates had come from the garden, or from my grandparent's farm. Pretty healthy stuff. In fact, I hardly remember any of us being very sick when we were kids. One person in particular does stand out though, and not because he was around a whole lot, but because he was different.

When I was growing up, there was a friend of my fathers whom we affectionately referred to as "The Mountain Man." Much like the name suggests, this was no ordinary gentleman. He was a tall, gruff looking sort of man with a wild beard and dark eyes. Underneath the exterior, he was a gentle and kind soul. He was very smart, and always had the most interesting stories. I used to love going to his house, which was of course situated at the top of a hill. Inside it was warm and cozy, and always smelled good. Everything in the house looked hand made, every knick knack had a story. He had tons of books, on the floor in stacks, on shelves that went from the floor to the ceiling. He had food that I had never even heard of before. He wore a fur hat with ear flaps!!! Although he looked scary and intimidating (to a child, anyhow!) I thought he was the coolest.

It was with his guidance that my father began to instill in us the benefits of healthful eating. We had always eaten healthy, this was just a different way. We had a granola mix that I used to love to eat for breakfast. Natural vitamins were used to help clear up the beginnings of my teenage acne. Somehow along the way, all these things stayed with me. I prefer naturopathic remedies over traditional medicine. I prefer to feed my children foods that haven't been treated with chemicals. There's many different ways to do things right. My way isn't the only right way to do things, but it's the way that feels right for me.

All of this is just to say, that, yes, I truly do believe we are products of our environment. Children live what they learn from their parents. As if that's not enough incentive to be our best selves, I think there is more to it than that. Everyone we meet, no matter how briefly, has the ability to create an impression on us. We may never know the impression we make on our friend's children, our children's friends, or anybody else.

If I could talk to the Mountain Man today, I would ask him how he came to be the person he is. Then I'd settle in with a steaming mug of Chai tea. I'll bet it's an interesting story.

Love Nest

2005-05-27T12:13:00.001-03:00

Over the past week, my family and I have been able to view nature at it's most wondrous. A pair of robins have decided to build their nest under the eaves of our front verandah, and we are fortunate enough to have front row seats.

I first noticed something was going on when I discovered a robin perched on the beams under the roof of our verandah. He was later joined by his mate. Throughout the day, I noticed that they made several trips from the eaves to get mud, straw and twigs. (Robins can actually make up to 180 trips a day when building their nest!) We all speculated on whether or not they were actually going to build a nest there, until one afternoon we peeked out the window and saw a very defined, very sturdy looking nest snuggled in the space in our eaves. Looks like our new neighbours are settling in quite nicely, and are getting ready for the arrival of their babies.

Inside the house, things are much the same. I make about 180 trips a day to the soccer field, the grocery store, the school, the doctor, the pharmacy, and various other places I need to be. There are days when I feel like my house is all askew, and I need to put things in order again.

Probably the best feeling though, is the one at the end of the day. You know the one...after the ball games and soccer practices, after all the kids are in bed, the toys are away, the kitchen is clean, and the laundry is caught up (almost). That's the time when Levi and I collapse on the sofa, rest our heads on one another and talk. Sometimes it's about the kids. Sometimes it's about the wedding. Other times it's about bills, our future together, or simply how our day was. Whatever it is we talk about, we both feel appreciative of everything that the other has done for our family.

Life with three young kids isn't always easy for a young couple, but we're making it work. Respect and appreciation is the mud that holds our little "love nest" together. It's softened with the warmth and comfort of hugs and kisses, and strengthened by love.

Thoughts about Thirty

2005-05-16T08:37:00.001-03:00

It's finally happened... I've turned thirty. Does that seem old to you? The "30th Birthday" is a day that some people approach with a feeling of dread and apprehension, but I am ok with it.

I think this is an age where a lot of people like to reflect on their lives so far and measure their actual accomplishments to the dreams and hopes that they had for themselves when they were, say, twenty or so.
When I was 20, I had always thought that by age 30, I would have a wonderful husband, a bunch of great kids, a good paying job, a house and car of my own, and a dog. You know, that happily ever after you hear so much about. And then life happened...

There were certainly some large stumbling blocks along the way. Life didn't work out for me in the smooth, uncomplicated way that I had hoped it would. I've slowly learned to make adjustments, deal with and accept whatever life sent me. Somehow, through all the stormy seas and grey days, I have arrived at Thirty not far from where I had expected to be. I am starting my own business in two weeks. I am marrying my best friend in four months. I have three beautiful children, a great home, and even my car and dog are pretty ok. The waters are calmer. The sky holds the promise of sunny days ahead. I am happy to be here, at Thirty, where I finally feel safe and comfortable in my own life.

Thicker Than Water?

2005-05-10T12:43:00.001-03:00

We've all heard the expression "Blood is thicker than water." So what do you do when the blood is so thin that even water seems thicker? In my case, nothing. Try not to say anything, for fear of setting off a barrel full of ammunition. That is, until today.

With this post, I'm sure to piss off at least half of my family, but I am prepared to deal with it. After all, I am taking something "private" and making it public. Everything I say here, I mean with no disrespect. My intention is not to be hurtful, as I'm sure I have unknowingly offended them at times. I will not name names, nor will I try to humiliate or hit below the belt.

Some dinners with my family are less than a treat for me. There are often negative remarks made about someone, rude tasteless jokes told at another's expense, and often complete disregard for another's feelings.
But how far is too far? And when you speak up to draw the boundaries, should you expect to get your feelings dismissed, or worse... more of the same for being "too sensitive?"

On Sunday, I was basically snubbed by one sibling. I was informed by another that, because I wouldn't allow my kids to eat foods that they were allergic to, I was "psychotic." I instantly got defensive and tried to explain that I'm not going to give them food that's going to fill them up so much that they're puking all night. My explanation about the allergies was impatiently shushed by another. My past relationships were brought up in the hurtful form of a joke that I had "frequent flyer miles" at the Wedding Place. This was done in front of my future husband, who was also made to feel uncomfortable by this.

I was grateful when another of my siblings, who had remained silent throught all this, tried to alleviate some tension. This was done by voicing an understanding about the food allergies, and shrugging about the relationship thing by saying "We're all going to hell anyways, so we might as well enjoy life."

I came away from dinner that night feeling badly about myself, questioning my parenting, and my place in the family. I wondered if I had said anything to anyone that might have been taken the wrong way.
I felt that I was treated unfairly, and that some pretty low shots were taken.

It's unfortunate that misunderstandings and hurt feelings have to happen within a family of adults. What's even more unfortunate is that many of us will just add these misgivings to our pile of ammunition, ready to use at the next family gathering.

Mother's Day

2005-05-08T11:16:00.001-03:00

Everyone who has ever had a child will share with you the joys and the frustration of raising a child. Many stories are humerous, some are heartbreaking, while others are simply so honest and real that they seem like your own.

The thoughts I share with you had their beginnings eleven years ago, with the birth of my son, Terran. With his arrival, I became what I always wanted to be - a mother. Nothing could have prepared me for the intensity of my own emotions, and never would I have imagined that such a small child could teach his mother so much. It was my first born son who taught me about sacrifice, devotion, and about a love greater than anything I've ever known.

When he was a baby, I would bury my face in his hair and breathe in the newborn smell of him. When he was a toddler, we were each other's best friend. I lived for his huge hugs and how he would press his cheek against mine and exclaim, "Snuddle cheeks!" My heart ached on his first day of school, when I felt as if I was losing a part of myself. I cried all that day.
I cried again, only this time tears of joy, when he rode his bike for the first time.

The traces of the baby he was have long since disappeared, and his need for my hugs and cuddles have been replaced by video games and playing with friends. By the moon glow at night, though, he is still my baby, and I make silent wishes for his happiness. He is my sensitive, loving child, perhaps the most like me. His spirit is easily crushed if I speak sharply to him. Beautiful music touches his soul. He enjoys the peace he finds in solitude. He is smarter than he knows. He has taught me how to be a mother. He has forgiven me when I made mistakes, and has loved me unconditionally.

I wish for my children all the things a mother wants for her child. I wish them radiant health, and a life full of love and happiness. I want to thank them for loving me as I am, and for accepting me even when I am my very worst self. Being their mother is a wonderful gift, and that is all I need.

The Cloud

2005-04-25T08:17:00.001-03:00

Yesterday started off on a strange note. When I awoke, my mood was as grey as the sky above, and my mind as clouded. I was not feeling unhappy, I have so much to be thankful for. I had finished preparing the taxes for the year, we were going to be able to afford the new roof after all, and Levi and I were excitedly counting down the months until the wedding. We were all healthy, and things were going along as they should be. I'm not quite sure why, but I felt the sudden need for space and solitude, and my soul in need of rejuvenation. I snuggled deeper into the warmth of my blankets, closed my eyes, and let my mind wander. Whatever the reason for my blue funk, I found myself revisiting the past, and missing my childhood.

There were happy memories of my family playing a sort of volleyball game on the beach, sliding around in the wet sloppy sand and gleefully getting covered in the soothing goop. There was the time that my grandmother took my sister and I for a drive, and we found ourselves in the provincial park hiking through the woods. That was the day my sister was chewing gum and lost a tooth, while we were listening to Nana Mouskouri crooning "Love is a Rose". There was the really long bike ride my cousin and I went on, we rode all over the countryside that day, and visited my grandparents and later my godparents. There were memories of early mornings with my dad, heading to my grandfather's barn to milk Bessie the cow.

I seem to have a lot of memories about the barn, I loved playing in there. I used to love searching for the newest litter of kittens, or singing to the animals. My favorite was when my sisters and I would climb up into the loft and set up our own little "houses" with the hay bales. We would visit each other's houses, sit on the sofas made of straw, and pretend we were grown up ladies with families. Other times, I would go the loft myself and just daydream the hours away. There was something soothing about being there by myself, surrounded by the sweet smell of the hay, as a gentle breeze blew through the open doors below. The only sounds were of the of the cows moving about, the bleats of the new lambs as they frisked in their pen, and the chirping of the birds outside in the trees. The barn cats, many of them tame, would spend hours clamoring for the attention that I loved to lavish on them. The contented sound of their purring as they rubbed against me often lulled me to sleep in the warm sunny patch that I would build my "nest" in.

It may have been at that point that I dozed off for a few minutes. When I opened my eyes again, the sun was trying to peek through a cloudy veil and was warming my face. I took a deep breath and stretched. I was still feeling a little lost in my own thoughts, but my mood had shifted considerably and I finally felt ready to face the day, whatever it might bring.

Madeline

2005-04-19T17:17:00.001-03:00

My daughter, Madeline, tiptoed into our room this morning as the sun was just peeking over the horizon. Giddy with delight, she whispered loudly, "Mommy! I'm eight!"
Smiling, I stared for an instant at this person who had once lived in my body. How beautiful she is, with her stunning blue eyes, long dark hair and porcelain skin. I was instantly reminded of the morning that she was born.
After a merciful two hours of labor, my wailing baby entered the world at a mere 6 lbs. 14 oz. I remember the doctor asking what name I had chosen for a girl. "Madeline" I had whispered, exhausted. I was unable to believe that I had the daughter I had so desperately wished for. "Well hello, Miss Madeline!" he said to her as he cleaned her up. "She's a dainty little lady!" he commented later as the nurse placed her on my chest.
After she was was safely in my arms, I gazed in awe at her tiny fingers and toes. A dainty little lady indeed! My heart was bursting with joy. I had a daughter!!
"Mommy! It's my birthday!" She whispered again, her eyes sparkling with excitement, returning my thoughts back to the present moment. I hugged her close to me. "Happy Birthday Sweetie!" I said into her hair. Connor, who had arrived in our bed only moments before Madeline did, was nestled between Levi and I. Poking his head up from his little nest of pillows, he said in his politest, grown up two year old voice, "Happy-day Maddie!" Giggling, she thanked him with a hug.
I want to savour every moment of her girlhood. Her contagious giggle could melt even the coldest of hearts, and her compassion for other people shows a maturity beyond her eight years. She is still very much a little girl though, and loves wearing pretty skirts to school, playing dress up with my shoes, and wants to decorate her room in pastel pinks and purples. I know that someday I will miss the days of pony-tails, barbie dolls and hysterical giggling over the word underwear. Until then, however, I will embrace the joys and challenges of parenting an eight year old girl. I will enjoy the fleeting years of her childhood with her. Just as she is learning from me, I am learning from her - about life, love, and family.

The Visitor

2005-04-12T20:37:00.001-03:00

There are some things in this life that we just naturally take for granted, like good health, digestion, and really soft toilet paper. You guessed it, the flu is visiting our house this week, and everyone is miserable, has been miserable, or is about to be miserable.
It all started with Connor, who, after a night of restless sleep, suddenly sat up in bed and decorated my night shirt with supper. The poor little guy had no idea what was happening, only that he felt awful and had somehow made a mess of the bed. As Levi and I were "cheerfully" cleaning everything (and everyone) up, Connor started saying sleepily, "sorry mom... Sorry". I was heartbroken! We were trying so hard to console him and make him feel better, and his little two year old mind was concerned that he had offended me! After we had changed the sheets on the bed and Connor had settled into sleep again, his fuzzy head nestled under my chin, I lay awake wondering if we were about to enter the Twilight Zone.
Things were fine Friday and Saturday. "Maybe it was just something he ate." Levi and I lied to each other, knowing that we were about to be hit with the flu.
Did it ever hit.
I was the next victim, spending Saturday night/Sunday morning in the bathroom, first in denial (maybe it was the cake I ate before bed...), and then in desperation ( please, God, make it stop, I promise I won't eat cake anymore!) and then finally acceptance ( I have the flu. How did we get the flu? Why do we always get the flu? I HATE the flu!) Needless to say, I was VERY glad that I had bought the Super-Mega-Jumbo size rolls of Charmin toilet Paper. I had gone through half a roll already! The torture continued until sometime early Monday morning, when I awoke feeling as if I was an 80 year old woman made of glass, with an iron belt still cinched around her middle. I learned that Connor had his share of diaper changes Sunday as well, and that Levi was handling everything and all the kids like a pro. What a guy!
Well, today is Tuesday, and Levi came home from work today at 11am. So far, he hasn't been too bad, mainly in that "waiting to puke purgatory" that we all hate so much. I went out yesterday and bought Pepto-Bismol and Immodium, so he will hopefully benefit from some of that. Connor and I are feeling close to normal again, and hopefully Terran and Madeline will be forgotten by this nasty visitor.
In the meantime, I'm taking it easy, and appreciating the little things. The great hubby-to-be, the fact that things could always be worse, and I'm REALLY appreciating the super-big, super-soft rolls of toilet paper!!

Juggling Act

2005-04-07T08:40:00.001-03:00

Wow - It's been a busy week, with lots of meetings, appointments, and lots of little loose ends to tie up !!
Sunday was my BORN group, which stands for Birth Options Research Network. We're a volunteer group working towards having Midwifery and Doula services legislated and funded in PEI. (the Atlantic provinces are the last to get on board with this) We're having our first AGM at the end of the month, so there's lots of work to do as far as getting presentations in order.
Monday I spent much of my day on the phone. It turns out that the location in which I was going to start teaching my Pre/Postnatal Fitness Classes shut down! All of a sudden, with no warning... anyhow, now I have to look for another location. It could be worse though, at least my flyers, posters, etc, weren't printed up yet. (That was supposed to be this weeks job!!)
Tuesday Connor had his Dr. appointment - his ear and sinus infection is completely cleared up! Yay! My ND. sent me a protcol to follow the next time he seems to be getting an infection... if we can tackle these things without antibiotics, I'm all for it!! Tuesday evening I had my Home and School meeting. Lots going on in the final months of the school year. There is a new Sobeys scheduled to be going up by the school, and there are safety concerns since there will be a new "main" road going right in front of the school. We are hoping to have a new crosswalk (with lights) and crossing guard as well as a sidewalk put in place for the safety of the walking students. I am in charge of the fundraiser for May, called "Pennies for Learning". I will supply each student with penny rolls, and they will go home and hopefully fill them up with all the pennies laying around the house. If every student contributes $2.00, we will raise around $800.00 for new books for the library. The class that raises the most money will win a movie and popcorn afternoon. Wish us luck! That night, Levi found out that he and his dad have another house to build after this current one is finished!! Whoo hoo!
Wednesday was a beautiful sunny day, but it was a "work day". I went to a business luncheon/seminar on Niche Markets. It was very interesting, and I made some very good contacts. I may have a new location sooner than I think, and two of these new contacts are very interested in working with me and there is even a possibility of some funding!
All this brings us to today. Thursday. Nothing on the calendar except for getting groceries and watching The OC later tonight. I still have a lot of stuff to do, there's more meetings and seminars next week to prepare for, locations to pin down, posters to print up and distribute, a bedroom to paint, but today I'm taking the day off.
I'm thankful for the breathing space. Today I think I'm just going to do regular mom stuff. I might even have a decent supper ready before 6 tonight. Maybe.

Spring Training

2005-04-02T19:25:00.001-04:00

Ahhh, spring! A time for renewal and growth. A time when all that lay dormant during the long months of winter begin to stir with new life again...

Apparently my ass got the memo on that one, because after being dormant all winter, it has decided to renew itself as a beach ball. Or maybe a wagon wheel. Whatever it is, it's big and round. I discovered this "juicy" (not so)little piece of information today as I was trying on a jacket and looking at myself in the mirrors at Wal Mart. What the hell?!?! How can a jacket make your butt look big?? Are they trick mirrors, like the ones in the fun house at Old Home Week??

Needless to say, I left the Clothing Section and went to the Sporting Goods section. This booty is gonna need some work before bikini season and the big Wedding Day! (Which, by the way, is in a little less than 6 months!) So, now that spring is finally here, it's time. Forget New Years resolutions - nobody ever keeps those anyways. Time for me to lose the "junk in the trunk". It's time for Spring Training!!!

So, here's my challenge to all of you. Go to Wal Mart and find out where they get their mirrors. Then grab a buddy and get moving. Get motivated. Dance, run, bike, play. Get outside and MOVE! Get rid of all those magazines that tell us we have to look a certain way. Eat less junk, eat more veggies. Do something you love! Have fun with it! Imagine what you can do with all that extra energy and improved health! (Imagine a beach with no fat hairy guys in Speedos!) It's not about losing weight, but about losing the mental picture we have of ourselves right now.

Those baseball guys have the right idea with this spring training thing. Only, I never really understand about all the pats on the rear. Whatever. You take what you can get, right?

It's Over!

2005-03-29T15:30:00.002-04:00

It's that time of year again! Parents all over are breathing a sigh of relief. March Break is over and the children have returned to school! Although I am glad to have some normality return to my life, I find myself missing those guys. What funny little people they are, my two, with their constant chatter and horrid attempts at knock-knock jokes! Terran with his running commentary of everything skateboarding related, and Madeline with her quirky sense of humor and contagous laugh. I find myself watching the clock until they come bursting through the door again, covered in mud, complaining of hunger pains and lack of anything decent in the house to eat for snack. I have to prepare myself for this on most days, dreading the sound of the bus pulling away from my driveway, but today I am looking forward to hearing about their days. What has changed so much?

Our life this last week has been hectic, but in a strangely satisfying way. We have survived the fevers, runny noses, endless trips to friends houses and the movie store, and a Candy-Free Easter holiday with all our feelings intact. Something like that doesn't happen very often. They played. They ate. They told jokes, giggled, and watched tasteless movies. They groaned over the dog puke and gagged over the smelly diapers. Connor loved the attention he got from his older siblings, and I loved getting to know them a little better. I did not realize that my son had a huge crush on a girl from his old school. I was not aware that my daughter was such a bad joke teller. (although I did suspect this for some time!) I loved having them home this last week, filling the house with kid noises.

As much as I enjoyed the week, I am also enjoying having my alone time back with Connor. I find we both missed this, and he seemed to be a little jealous ond overwhelmed with the constant whirlwind of activity. I look forward to getting back to the business of normal living again. And nap time... I'm really looking forward to nap time again!

Nothin' But Blue Skies

2005-03-25T09:29:00.001-04:00

I have always been a believer in the power of positive thinking. Not that I pratice it as often as I should, but I feel everyone who generally has a positive outlook on their situation tends to handle things better. Sometimes I just need a gentle reminder of this.
When I awoke this morning, my room was awash in the beautiful red, pink and purple glow of the sunrise. Normally the alarm would go off, rudely suggesting the beginning of another day, but not this morning. Today was different. I woke easily from a dreamless sleep, and opened my eyes to discover the brilliance that was streaming into my window. "Wow" I whispered in awe, as I nudged Levi awake, so he too could enjoy this.
It was then that I realized that something felt different. We were alone in the big bed. Connor had slept all night in his own bed! And his fever of six days had finally, finally broken. I wanted to weep with joy.
Spring is in the air. I am loved, and have many to love. And I am reminded once again that the beauty of life is in the everyday things that surround us.

Home

2005-03-23T21:41:00.001-04:00

There are days that you wish could last forever, and then there are days that you wish you could just stay in bed until it's over. I never really understood this concept until I became a mother. On the good days, the children are playing together, the signifigant other tells you how much he appreciates you, and all is generally right with the world. The bad days are a little harder to take, but you do it because you have to. On Tuesday, I took the baby to the doctor. He had a fever of 104 for about four days, and he was showing no sign of getting any better. At the doctor's office, there was a mother, who, much like me, looked like she hadn't slept in a few nights. She was pressing her lips to the head of her feverish little baby, consoling her, and trying not to cry. I could relate to her overwhelming fatigue, and see her sense of helplessness as she held her child. I looked down at my own armful, and felt tears stinging my eyes. Perhaps it was the sleep deprived state that I was in, but most likely it was the tiny little person with the hot dry skin and the glassy eyes staring back at me, totally dependant on me to help him feel better. He is still too young to tell me what he needs, but he was finding comfort in my arms. Occasionally, he would whimper "mum" and snuggle closer, as if to make sure I was still there. He eventually fell asleep.
Later that evening, as Levi (my hubby-to-be) and I lay on the couch, I found myself snuggling deeper into his warm embrace. My tears were threatening to find their way to the surface. As if he could read my heart, he simply kissed the top of my head and whispered "It was a hard day for you, wasn't it?" I just nodded, and savored every moment of being there in his arms. Everything would be all right. He understood, and there was no need for words. Was this how Connor had felt earlier that day? Safe? Loved? Understood? I sincerely hope so. I mean, isn't this what love is all about- the feeling of being home?

Here we go!

2005-03-21T16:01:00.001-04:00

Hi there! Welcome to a little piece of my world. I've named it after some of my favorite things: the hugs and kisses I get from my kids. You know the kind... the sticky kisses that you get after your two year old has been drooling on a sucker for the last half hour... the hugs with the chubby little arms wrapped around your neck, sometimes cutting off your air supply... those kind. This blog isn't going to be entirely about my kids, it will mostly be my ponderings, rants, and just, well... the stuff that is going on in the life of a mom with three kids and a dog that pukes a lot. Seriously. Like everyday. But anyways, here it is, and I hope that you enjoy.